A reader tells agony aunt Coleen Nolan that she’s trying to help her friend but just doesn’t understand how she could just leave her kids behind
Dear Coleen
My best friend has been having a really tough time in her marriage in recent months and she and her husband have two kids, who are two and four.
Recently, things blew up and she walked out on him, saying she couldn’t cope any more, and went to live with her mum, leaving her children behind with her husband.
She’s suffered on and off from depression and anxiety, and explained that she couldn’t deal with her children right now and that they’re better off with her husband because he’s a good dad. When she told me, I cried because I was so upset for her and also for the kids, who must be upset and wondering why their mummy isn’t at home, and only visiting now and again.
The bottom line is, I can’t believe my friend would walk out on her children. I’m trying to support her and get my head around her decision, but I’m having a tough time accepting it. I don’t know how to try to help her without telling her how I feel about it. I don’t want to make things worse, but I know I couldn’t leave my kids under any circumstances.
Please advise.
Coleen says
Your friend has done what she thinks is best for her kids. OK, I can’t imagine anything that would make me think I couldn’t deal with kids any more, but then I’ve never, thankfully, suffered that level of depression and anxiety.
If your friend was in hospital recovering from an op or she’d broken her leg, you wouldn’t be questioning
this decision. Just because you can’t see her problem, doesn’t mean it’s not real.
If you haven’t experienced a mental health issue, then I think it can be difficult to understand, so listen to your friend. Let her explain how she’s feeling and visit mind.org.uk to find out how you can best support her. Just because she’s made a choice you don’t agree with, doesn’t make her wrong. I think it’s a brave choice and she’s made it with everyone’s best interests in mind.
So, try to leave your judgment at the door and be there for her as a friend and, if you can, be there for her kids, too. Check in on them and let her husband know you’re there if he needs a break and you could offer to take them to see their mum.
Your friend needs time and space to regroup to prioritise her mental health and think about her marriage.
Think of her making this choice out of love for her children and knowing what’s best for them. It’ll be hard to be separated from them, but hopefully it’s a temporary arrangement.