Coleen Nolan advises a reader in her 30s whose dream is to have a child, but her husband thinks it sounds like a nightmare
Dear Coleen
I’m struggling with the fact that my husband won’t commit to us having a baby. I’m 33 and he is 35, so the time seems perfect. I’m conscious of not leaving it too long in case it’s difficult for us to get pregnant.
A lot of my friends have had babies recently and a couple are pregnant, which is making it even harder for me. Every time I bring it up, he says he wants a family, but “not now”. If not now, then when?
I’ve come to realise he’s actually quite selfish – he loves his free time, playing football and going on frequent cycling trips with his mates. The bottom line is, I don’t think he wants to give that up.
He’s made a few comments about his friends with kids having no freedom and that it sounds like “a nightmare”. Well, his nightmare is my dream.
He also gets annoyed because his mum is always asking when we’re going to have a baby. I’m sure he thinks we’re in cahoots with each other, but we’re not. I’ve never asked her to say anything.
It’s got to the point where I’m considering coming off the Pill without telling him and seeing what happens.
I know that sounds bad, but maybe if it’s a done deal he’ll get his head around it and get on with it.
What do you think?
Coleen says
I think that’s a very bad idea. What if he doesn’t get his head around it? Are you ready to be a single parent? Or if he does “get on with it” are you prepared that every row you have in the future, he might say: “Well, you were the one who wanted this”?
Raising a child is the best thing ever, but it’s also hard and exhausting. It’s a total lifestyle change and, inevitably, it changes your relationship, so both of you have to be all in or you’re on very shaky ground.
If you get pregnant accidentally that’s fair enough, but if you’re knowingly trying to conceive and hiding it from him, I can’t condone that, which I’m sure is the answer you expected from me.
If you’re not on the same page, you need to prioritise talking about it. It’s an important conversation to have. From your side, what you need to get across is it’s easy for a man to say “not now” because his fertility isn’t on the clock. When the time is right for him, it might be too late for you.
You can be proactive and have initial tests to check your fertility, so you have more of an idea of where you stand, and can share that with him.
Don’t let him avoid the subject. I know several couples who left this conversation until it was too late, and where one partner found out their other half didn’t want kids after years of being together.
If not having children is a deal breaker for you, address it now, so you can talk through the options and come up with a plan that hopefully works for both of you. Good luck.