Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader wondering whether she needs to accept she might not meet a life partner so she can feel happier at 50
Dear Coleen
I turned 50 in February, which has made me think quite a lot about where I am in my life. I feel sad that I haven’t been able to meet a life partner, even though I’m a pretty sociable, outgoing person.
I’ve worked in the NHS my whole career and have a good network of friends, as well as a couple of very good friends who I see a lot and feel “part of the family”. I have two younger siblings and I love being an auntie to their children.
Over the years, I have had a few short-lived relationships, but I’ve never met a man I wanted to settle down with.
I’ve always been the one to end things, usually when a partner has pushed for commitment like moving in together.
I worry that I’ve set the bar too high and that I’m expecting that special person to walk into my life and see thunderbolts and fireworks. My sister told me I give up too easily and that some relationships are “growers”.
I feel quite disillusioned with dating and have started to wonder if it would help to just accept that I’m never going to meet anyone and that I’ll be single for the rest of my life.
Coleen says
Well, I think turning 50 does make you take stock and it’s often when people question choices and make big lifestyle changes. It certainly had that effect on me – it focused my mind on moving on from things that weren’t working for me.
The positive thing for you is that you’ve created a wonderful, full life for yourself and you’ll always have that whether you have a partner or not.
When it comes to dating, I think you can get too hung up on this idea of the “perfect” person who ticks all the boxes, but it’s more about finding someone who’s perfect for you and that person might not be someone you think is your “type”.
I think your sister makes a good point – maybe the next time you meet a guy you really like, don’t put so much pressure on everything being perfect and focus on just enjoying getting to know him better. Give things a chance to develop.
Look, I do believe in love at first sight where you feel this powerful instant attraction and the whole world flips upside down, but love doesn’t always happen that way. And even when there’s instant chemistry, love is something that grows. And maybe if you stop expecting to see fireworks, you might actually see them.
Good luck.