‘I’ve lost my alcoholic daughter to a cruel, controlling abuser’

Coleen Nolan advises a reader who is finding it impossible to sit back and watch her grown-up daughter destroy her life in a toxic relationship

Dear Coleen

My daughter is 27 and has started seeing a chap who is eight years older, and who she once worked with. She moved in with him and on certain days his two daughters came to stay, and they adored her. At the start, he seemed a nice guy, but then he began to show his true colours.

Over time, her dad and I, and her brothers, saw less and less of her and we discovered that when they’d both had alcohol, they were toxic with each other. I picked her up at all hours to bring her home and, eventually, after he’d smashed up his Christmas tree and spat in her face, she came back home.

However, he wouldn’t leave her alone and we went to the police for a harassment order, but she started seeing him again in secret. He shows her no affection in public and she can’t be with his children in his house, as their mum banned it.

This man has alcohol issues and has a hold over her. She’s unfit to work, as am I, because of all the stress. We were so close, but she’s been an alcoholic since they met. She stopped for a few months when they split, but she’s drinking non-stop now, using her benefit money. I’ve lost my only daughter and it’s hard to sit back and let her live her life. How do I cope?

Coleen says

I really feel for you, and as a mother myself I understand how hard it is to let go when she seems to be on a self-destruct mission. However, you have to bring the focus back to yourself. I think you’d benefit from therapy, so you can talk this out with someone who can help, and also talk to Al-Anon (al-anonuk.org.uk), which offers brilliant support to anyone affected by someone else’s drinking.

The really difficult thing to accept when it comes to your daughter’s drinking is that you can’t fix things for her. She has to do that for herself, and she has to be ready and willing. Many recovering alcoholics describe having an epiphany or reaching rock bottom before realising they had to get sober. I hope she gets that wake-up call soon.

What you can do is say that while you understand she’s free to make own choices, you’re worried about her and it’s hard to be around her while she’s living like this, but you love her and will be here for her when she comes out of it.

The danger in going on about how vile her boyfriend is you’ll push her towards him and away from you. It’s vital she feels she can come to you if she wants to leave. If you’re concerned about abuse, contact Refuge, which has a 24-hour helpline (0808 2000 247).

Get all the help and support you can, to feel stronger. It’ll be good for you to talk to others who’ve been in your situation and come out the other side.