Our resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a concerned mum whose son seems to be struggling with his mental health and she doesn’t want life to pass him by
Dear Coleen
I really enjoy reading your advice and I’m now hoping you can help me with something that’s been troubling me for some time. It’s to do with my 27-year-old son.
I’m sure he has depression and he also suffers with anxiety and bouts of anger, but most of the time he is absolutely lovely and helps me to look after my mam, who is very ill.
I find it sad that he doesn’t go out much and I worry that if anything were to happen to me, he’d struggle to cope.
He is quite clever, but has no confidence at all.
He seems to cope well with the bigger problems in life, but small things push him over the edge. I wonder if he could be on the autism spectrum or if he has another condition.
He currently takes medication for anxiety and I think it would help if he talked to someone, but he won’t even consider it. I worry that his life is passing him by, but I have no idea how to help him to move forward. I’d welcome any suggestions you have to offer.
Coleen says
First of all, don’t panic. Your son has time on his side to create a life for himself. I understand it’s frustrating when you can see someone suffering or not fulfilling their potential, and they won’t take your advice or get help. It’s hard for a parent.
As you’ll know, I believe in therapy, but you can’t force anyone into it because it requires commitment. I wonder if there’s a friend or family member who’s a bit removed from the situation who he’d feel comfortable talking to?
You don’t say how you’re approaching things at home, but if you’re nagging or lecturing out of sheer frustration – which is understandable – then he might be switching off. A good idea might be to try encouraging him to build a life outside of the house, but let him know it’s coming from a place of love and positivity. Explain you’d like to see him being more independent rather than feeling tied to the house.
Tell him it makes you sad to see him at home all the time with you and your mum. If you help him see things from your perspective, it might sink in.
In this country – unlike others in Europe – we seem very keen to get our kids out of the house by a certain age, but why? It’s a lot harder now for young people to afford to live independently. My son Shane only left this year and he’s about to turn 37. He left a few times, but came back, and I think it’s the same for a lot of families.
With you, your son has a safe base to try new things, to look for work and to increase his social circle. He might be happy living with you, but ask him what you can do to help him. Good luck.