Essence Howells from London was in a ‘toxic and abusive relationship’ for years and struggled with her confidence when it came to her sex life, but after a sexual awakening, everything changed
After giving birth to her daughter, Essence Howells had a ‘sexual awakening’ and escaped her toxic relationship. She has since overhauled her sex life and is as confident as ever, now identifying as a bisexual queer woman.
Essence, now 26, from London, always felt “disconnected and unsatisfied” when it came to sex before giving birth, noting that she would feel “motionless.” She told the Mirror: “Before pregnancy, I had quite a toxic relationship with sex and intimacy.
“I was very insecure and self-conscious of my body, and I kind of got into a string of unfortunate events, I guess I could say.
“I didn’t have a great experience with sex. I was very disconnected from my body, and I found it hard to connect.”
For four years, Essence was in a “toxic and abusive relationship”. She shared: “It went from bad to worse in terms of the toxicity and the abuse that I was experiencing.
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“Getting into this relationship that I was in, it was the first time I actually experienced intimacy with emotion because there were so many intense emotions going on.
“That’s kind of what sucked me into that cycle, all of the intense feelings that I was feeling. There was love, there was anger, there was some happiness, there were moments where I was scared and fearful, and it triggered my flight or fight.
“But what happened, the sex kind of became the band-aid, and it was the only good thing in the relationship. It became more intense – everything is heightened in those situations.”
After falling pregnant with her daughter, Essence began to notice a change in herself. “Going through pregnancy helped to see myself differently. I became more confident and comfortable in my body because I’ve seen it change. I was growing into my adult self whilst I was experiencing all of this, so it was a very abrupt transition – I grew up quickly.
“I definitely saw myself in a different light, and I was experiencing things that I’d never experienced before.
“I saw what my body had been through, including through the abuse, and just started to give myself more grace. I started to love myself and see myself in a different light. Then, eventually, that gave me the strength to come out of that relationship, eventually.”
Essence gave birth to her daughter in 2019 at the age of 21 and said afterwards, “sex wasn’t a priority”. She recalled: “I was breastfeeding for a long time, and then I was in this relationship where I felt like I just had to have sex just to keep the peace.
“But I wasn’t really being pleased myself, and I didn’t really know what I liked.
“I tried so hard to keep the relationship going, but I felt isolated as a mum. I was pouring all of myself into this relationship, to the point where I basically became a shell of myself.
“I felt more comfortable in my body after having my daughter, but I didn’t feel sexy to the outside world. I felt very kind of mumsy, and I felt like I lost my spark.”
After leaving her toxic relationship after four years, Essence discovered intimacy on her own terms. “Two years ago I rediscovered my sex life and now identify as a bisexual queer woman. I realised maybe I wasn’t satisfied and happy before, because it wasn’t really what I was into,” she shared.
“I felt confident to explore new spaces and experiences – I’m finding out what I like.
“After my relationship ended, I had some experiences with men, but then I met a woman at a festival, and we naturally connected. It just felt like nothing I had experienced with men. It was much more fulfilling, it made me feel completely different, and something just clicked – I thought this actually feels pleasurable.
“I feel safer with women, and I realised I have a natural trauma response to men. It wasn’t a new thing for me, as I actually came out as bisexual when I was 14 or 15 years old, but I just didn’t have any sexual experiences with women prior to that, and I fell into situations with men.
“But now I am finally feeling like I have locked in with myself, who I am and what I truly do desire and want. I’m now figuring out if I ever liked men at all, and I haven’t had any relationships with men for quite a while now.
“I feel happy and I’m fulfilled, I put myself out there. I can be me, not just a mum.”
Offering advice to others on confidence after welcoming children, Essence shared: “Give yourself grace and patience, listen to your body, if you’re not feeling it [sex], switch it up or ask yourself ‘what do I want?’
“My journey has been really important, and having children doesn’t define you.”
Now, Essence creates content on TikTok, shares her story, and helps to spread awareness on domestic abuse.
For parents looking to reignite the spark, Lovehoney has launched The Mama Sutra eBook – a guide full of expert tips, practical advice, and relatable mum stories about navigating intimacy through pregnancy and beyond.
For confidential support, call the 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or visit womensaid.co.uk.