Coleen Nolan speaks to a reader who doesn’t want to waste a minute of his life after surviving cancer and wants out of his marriage
Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my 40s and happy to say I’ve got the all-clear after surgery and treatment for bowel cancer, which was thankfully caught early. When I was ill and recovering, my wife was amazing. She was supportive and practical, and helped me to stay positive throughout it all. I’ll be forever in her debt.
But, and it’s a big but, since being ill, I’ve reassessed my whole life, including my marriage and I don’t want to be with my wife any more. I love her and she’s my best friend, but I don’t want to be married to her.
The physical side of our relationship was pretty much dead before I got ill and we did our own thing a lot of the time, but I suppose I just let things drift on. Being ill has brought everything into sharp focus and I’ve realised I don’t want to waste a minute of my life, but how can I tell her that after what she’s done for me?
I can’t predict how she’ll react, but I think it will probably break her heart. She was so relieved when we were told the treatment had been successful.
Coleen says
Yes, I think she’ll be heartbroken, but she might be really angry, too. For you, this horrible experience and looking death in the eye, has made you reconsider what you want in life. I get that – there’s nothing like cancer to wake you up to the fact that life is too short to be unhappy.
However, I don’t think there’s an easy way to come out of this without being hated by your wife.
I’m not saying you should stay if you’re unhappy, but you have to accept it’ll be a difficult conversation. All you can do is emphasise you’re grateful for what she did, but getting a second chance at life has had a profound effect on you.
Who knows, maybe she feels the same after going through the trauma with you, especially if your marriage had been struggling beforehand. You don’t know until you open the conversation. But I know if I were in your wife’s situation, I wouldn’t want my partner to stay with me out of guilt or duty.
I can’t give you any magic words that will make this conversation go how you want it to go but, equally, once you’ve both moved on, hopefully she’ll realise she deserves to be with someone who wants to be with her. Good luck to both of you.
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