WARNING: DISTRESSING CONTENT According to the leading charity Refuge, three women in England and Wales take their own life each week after being subjected to domestic abuse. We speak to a survivor on World Suicide Prevention Day
When Louise* met a ‘charming’ salesman in her 20s, she fell hard and fast.
But the illusion crumbled as soon as Matt* managed to isolate her from her friends and family and launch a campaign of abuse that would leave her suicidal.
Now in her mid-40s, the mum-of-four from the South of England has teamed up with Refuge, the charity that supports women and children escaping domestic violence, to help others this World Suicide Prevention Day. This is her story.
“We met at a show when I was in my 20s. We were selling products for different companies. He was very charming, he came across as very friendly and polite and confident. We hit it off straight away and in the early days, he was delightful to me. He was clever and calculated, a brilliant showman.
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Now I look back, all the red flags were there but I had never been around any kind of abuse before. I didn’t know what was going on and before long he was in full control of me.
He isolated me pretty quickly. He wanted me to move to his hometown, which is three hours away from where I live so one weekend we got in his van and he said: ‘We’re going to move you today’. I had about half an hour to pack up a three bedroom house, I had to leave a load of stuff behind and I was very upset.
That’s when the abuse really started. It was physical, mental, emotional, and sexual and it was a daily occurrence. He was a big drinker and alcohol would change him. He would pinch me and say nasty things. He would ask how many sexual partners I’d have and he was racist. He enjoyed putting me down.
I knew something wasn’t right but I felt alone, I didn’t have my friends or family around me and I wasn’t allowed to work for the seven years I was with him. I had no bank account and I didn’t even have a phone.
At his worst, he threw bleach in my face and pushed me so hard I miscarried our child. I haemorrhaged quite badly with our son too, due to his abuse, but thankfully he’s here.
He raped me on many occasions. I didn’t even know it was rape at the time, not until I spoke out. I lost the person I was – I lost my confidence and all of my self-esteem.
He didn’t call me by my name. He called me fat and ugly and told me no-one would ever want me. Even though there was physical and sexual abuse, the emotional and mental abuse for me was so much worse, It made me feel I didn’t want to be here anymore.
I attempted to take my own life on more than one occasion. He took me to hospital and stayed with me, so even if I felt brave enough to speak out I couldn’t because he was right there.
After he had drugged and raped me, I was so badly hurt I was unable to walk for nearly a month. My daughter was three years old and sleeping in a cot in our bedroom. A doctor told me it was the worst damage he’d seen to a private area and encouraged me to seek help from the police.
A few months later, I plucked up the courage to leave him and to contact the police. He was arrested and I was safeguarded, with a non-molestation order put in place straight away but he was never charged with any offence. The CPS said there wasn’t enough evidence. I thought he would receive a punishment for what he did, that he didn’t nearly destroyed me.
The lack of charges made him confident, he kept stalking me and saying he was sorry. I was living in his hometown surrounded by his family and friends who thought he was an amazing person, they turned on me so I didn’t feel safe.
Next thing, I received a letter from his solicitor saying he was going for custody of our child and that’s when I knew I had to get strong and fight back. We went to family court and he had all his parental responsibilities taken off him, with the judge saying there was far too much violence for him to even see his child in a contact centre.
More than a decade on and he continues to breach his non-molestation order, which is now indefinite, something which is quite rare. We moved back to my hometown and one day, he posted my full address on his social media, plus pictures of my daughter in her school uniform.
I contacted the police and they did nothing, saying I can’t prove it was him who posted it. It makes me angry, it just seems so wrong and I feel let down by them.
I’ve had lots of therapy over the years and continue to have it. I still have bad dreams and things like a song can trigger me. I used to suffer really badly with panic attacks but therapy has helped me to manage them, as has medication.
I want to say to anybody in my situation that there is life after abuse and I am proof of that. I thought it was my fault and I wish I could tell my younger self that it wasn’t. The charity Refuge is amazing, they change women’s lives and they’re there for as long as you need them. There is help out there so reach out and don’t ever think that you’re alone.
Remember to check in on your friends and family members, even if it’s just via text, as you have no idea what someone is going through.
I still remember the day when I moved back to my hometown and I was walking through town and I just felt so free, it was amazing. We live a completely different life now – I go to the gym, I have lots of friends and enjoy family days out with my children.”
*names have been changed
Refuge supports thousands of survivors on any given day and every two minutes someone turns to Refuge for help. It operates the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, which is the gateway to specialist support. More than one in four women in England and Wales will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime, and on average, every five days a woman is killed by a current or former partner.
Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247 for free, confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. A live chat service is also available from 10am to 10pm, Monday to Friday, and from 10am to 6pm on weekends. For further information and advice, visit www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk. For support with tech-facilitated abuse, visit www.refugetechsafety.org.