Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for an upset reader who caught his girlfriend in a compromising situation at a party, and now he doesn’t know what to do
Dear Coleen
Recently, I was at a house party with my girlfriend and walked into the kitchen to see her in a clinch with another guy. It was obvious something was going on between them or it was the start of something going on.
I lost my rag and pulled him away, shouting. It’s not my proudest moment, but I was upset and just saw red. She was in tears and I left soon afterwards. It was really humiliating.
We spoke the next day and she apologised, and I said sorry for shouting. She said nothing happened, but I saw something different.
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We’re both 28 and have been together for four years, but live an hour’s drive from each other, which isn’t ideal.
She’s obviously not as committed to the relationship as I am and I’m wondering where it leaves us.
She insists they’re just mates, but admits she shouldn’t have crossed the line, and that she wants us to stay together, but what’s the point?
We’ve had our ups and downs but nothing like this. I’d been planning to rent my place out and move near her, but do we even have a future together?
I don’t think I’m overreacting, but what do you think?
Coleen says
I think you need a frank discussion about whether the relationship is working any more and, if you do want to stay together, what needs to change.
Sometimes when you have been in a relationship for a while, it gets to a point where it doesn’t feel right, but you carry on more out of habit than anything else.
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Maybe that’s how she’s feeling and maybe you’ve been living separate lives for too long.
If the hour’s drive means you’re only seeing each other at weekends, for example, then maybe that’s not enough.
I’m not one who believes that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Often it leads to growing apart or affairs. If it’s hard to talk without things descending into a row, then relationship counselling could be an option for you if you genuinely want to stay together.
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You’re both heading towards 30 and it does feel like it’s “make or break” as far as next steps go. Do you call it quits now or do you move in together and see how that goes?
This “clinch” is obviously a sign that things need addressed one way or the other.
But don’t stay in the relationship out of habit or because you’re afraid of the unknown.
You’re both young and have plenty of options.
Good luck.
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