Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a woman who’s troubled by a friendship that’s becoming increasingly toxic, and she doesn’t want to be around negativity
Dear Coleen
There’s a woman in my friendship group who I’ve known since school and she was the classic mean girl – pretty, popular but not a very nice person a lot of the time.
I give her a wide berth these days, but I am good friends with her sister, which I suspect she hates. Recently, I had a party for my birthday and she was there – I felt I had to invite her as everyone else was coming, so it would have been weird to leave her out. I’m not a mean girl!
However, true to form, she spent the whole evening either ignoring me or making barbed comments dressed up as humour. Well, it wasn’t funny, especially on my birthday.
The result is, I’ve kind of distanced myself from her sister because I can’t stand this woman being in my life. I feel sad about that, but I don’t want to be around negativity and someone who makes me feel bad about myself.
Should I say something to her or her sister or just let them both go? Our kids go to the same nursery, which is a bit awkward but I feel I can see our other friends without her being there. I’d love your opinion.
Coleen says
If hanging out with her is affecting your peace of mind and you’re not enjoying it, then don’t do it any more. You can see your other friends, including her sister, on their own or in smaller groups.
At this point in your life, I don’t think you have to invite anyone to your party who’s not a friend to you. You’re not at school any more and shouldn’t feel that social pressure.
It sounds like maybe you’re all still finding it hard to break out of those roles you had at school so this could be your sign to assert yourself or move on.
If you distance yourself a bit and her sister asks you why, there’s an opportunity to say: “Well, I don’t really get on with your sister, to be honest, and she kind of ruined my birthday party”. Maybe she’ll understand and it won’t affect your friendship or she might be loyal to her sister and back away.
You know that phrase: “People are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime”, well, some of these school friends might be in the “season” category and it’s OK to move away from them.
This happens naturally with friends as you go through life for lots of reasons and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it.
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