Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader who’s struggling to cope with her daughter’s anxiety around going to school, and her relationship is under pressure too
Dear Coleen
Our 13-year-old daughter has refused to go to school for some time. It started with her not going in some days, but she’s been off now for an entire academic year, give or take the odd day. We hoped she’d rejoin properly this year, but it didn’t happen. She started having huge meltdowns on the week running up to the start of term.
The school has been supportive and keep in touch and send work home, although it’s hard to get her to do it. She’s also having counselling for anxiety but, so far, it hasn’t helped her to return to school. The situation is taking such a toll on the rest of the family.
My marriage is hanging by a thread because my husband and I argue over our daughter all the time. I’ve had to give up work to be at home for her and my older boy is acting out a lot, probably because our attention is focused on his sister.
I worry my daughter is going to be left behind socially as well as academically if this goes on much longer, although she does have a couple of local friends who she sees. I’m at my wits’ end with it and would love some advice.
Coleen says
Since the Covid lockdowns, there seems to be many children struggling in the school environment. It sounds like you’re working with your daughter’s school and the local authority to help her and try to resolve the situation.
She’s at quite a crucial age now because her peers will be doing the foundation work for their GCSEs.
It is clearly putting a lot of pressure on family relationships and especially you, as you’ve given up work to be there for her. I think it’s crucial to still have a regular routine at home and structure during the day, so she knows what’s expected of her. Kids thrive with routine because it helps them feel safe and they know what their day looks like.
Be careful not to pander to her too much to keep the peace. If she’s been given work to do, she has to do it or there will be a consequence. Maybe take her phone off her or there’s no trips out at the weekend. It’s so important to have boundaries.
While she’s not attending school, sign her up to as many social clubs as you can – dance, gymnastics, whatever she’s interested in. This will help with a routine and give you a break too.
It’s a hard position to be in, but you have to make time for your husband and son. I know your daughter is having counselling, but family therapy might be a good next step. Perhaps officially homeschooling her is the way to go, as she can learn online alongside other children. Speak to your local authority.
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