The McFly drummer’s wife Izzy Judd shared her experience parenting neurodivergent children, revealing one of their children has pathological demand avoidance
McFly drummer wife, Izzy Johnston, joined Dr Alex George on his podcast Stompcast, sharing what it’s like in their household with a child that has pathological demand avoidance. Although she didn’t reveal which of their three children it was.
She said: “From the moment a child wakes up in the morning, they are being told to eat their breakfast, get dressed, brush your teeth. And all these anxieties are forming in them – that people are putting pressure and demands on them.
“They don’t respond to authority or hierarchy. They want autonomy, they want to be in control.”
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is characterised by “determined avoidance of so-called ‘common’ demands of life” according to the PDA Society. However, this isn’t the only aspect of the condition.
An intrinsic part of PDA is the need to maintain personal autonomy, which can make relationships difficult. This means many traditional and societal expectations, such as power structures in school, work or even at home, can feel like a threat to this autonomy.
Common PDA signs can include using social strategies as part of the avoidance, such as distracting people when demands come up, intense mood swings and special interests that are often related to people. It is known to be connected to autism, although it can affect people differently.
They may also be more likely to use social strategies ot manage or deflect demands and avoid confrontation such as withdrawing from the situation or trying to flatter someone to reduce the pressure. This can be an automatic response to overwhelming stress the person feels, but can often be misinterpreted by wider society as laziness, defiance or manipulation.
Explaining how she’s learned to navigate PDA as a parent, Izzy said: “If you flip it and go, ‘I’ve left your clothes out,’ – I actually just don’t even say it anymore. And I don’t ask many questions at all because that’s placing a demand, and a demand is too anxiety-provoking.”
Discovering that her child has PDA has also forced Izzy to ignore other people’s opinions of her parenting. She said: “There are quite rigid societal expectations of how children are supposed to behave.
“Initially, I felt the judgement really heavily. You have to go through a kind of grief process that things aren’t going to be as you thought they would be.
“For a neurodivergent child, they’re physically unable to sit. It’s not because they don’t want to – they can’t. But then, as a parent, you’re going: ‘I need to teach my child to sit at the table and say please and thank you.’ What if they can’t look at somebody? What if that makes them feel really uncomfortable?”
PDA isn’t a diagnosis in itself, but during the autism assessment, people can be identified as having a ‘PDA profile’ or having ‘demand avoidance traits’. Not all clinicians or medical professionals recognise PDA and the trait can often be misunderstood in social circles.
The Society notes: “PDA can have a profound impact on people’s lives. It can make everyday tasks impossible and lead to conflict that a person doesn’t want but finds impossible to avoid. Things improve with understanding and the right support, and there are many PDAers who thrive as a result.
“It can give someone the words to explain to friends or partners why some things are difficult, which can have a big impact on relationships.”