Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader who feels ready to date again after her marriage break-up, but is worried about the impact on her 10-year-old girl
Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my early 40s and I haven’t had a man in my life since my marriage ended seven years ago.
I have a 10-year-old daughter and it’s just been the two of us for so long, but I do feel quite lonely and have been thinking a lot about dating again.
My ex isn’t really on the scene – he does see our daughter, but when it fits in around his new family. It means I’m the most important person in her life and every time I think about meeting someone, I feel instantly guilty.
She’s got me through some tough times and we rely on each other for everything. I worry that having a partner will come between us.
The situation feels more urgent after I went to a party a few weeks ago and bumped into a guy I’ve known since we were both in our early 20s.
We always got on great, but we were never single at the same time, so nothing ever happened. But now we both are and he’s invited me out.
I want to go, but I’m already panicking about my daughter and how she’ll feel about it.
Coleen says
Firstly, you’re at the very early stages of your relationship and don’t need to tell your daughter anything other than you’re going out with a friend. Don’t make a big thing of it. Even if this relationship does become something, it’s sensible to take it slowly and not introduce him to her too quickly.
You have to be sure it’s serious, then the best thing to do is introduce him as a friend and do fun things together, so she gets to know him gradually. Just say: “Is it OK if my friend comes along?” Hopefully, she’ll get to like him.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get out there and date again, but it’s good you have an awareness that your daughter has had you to herself for a long time. You have to expect moments of jealously, but keep doing things with just her so that side of it doesn’t change.
Dating is trickier with kids in the picture, but they do adapt, as long as they know they’re still the most important person in your life. When my boys were small and I got together with my second husband, Ray, I had accusations of: “You like him better than me”, but you just have to battle through it and keep reassuring them and being there for them.
At some point she’ll grow up and go into the world and find her person, so it’s important that you’ve built a life for yourself, too.
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