The Americans spent 8 years and 200,000 lives getting rid of kings. They wrote a constitution. They carefully balanced powers. They established checks and balances so they could never be tyrannised again.
Then 240 years later, for no apparent reason, they went ‘nah’.
And you know, Britain did that once. We killed one king because he was an utter pillock, changed all the rules, and then decided that hadn’t worked and decided to give kings a second chance.
There were three vital differences, though. First, it only took us about a decade of Puritanical curtain-munchers for us to spot the mistake. Second, we imposed a shedload of extra rules on the new king. And third, we weren’t stupid enough to pick Donald Trump for the job.
King Charles I wasn’t exciting, sexy, Protestant or sane. He thought he spoke directly to God, that he knew best despite all evidence to the contrary, and shut down Parliament so he could rule by decree. Cue Oliver Cromwell, and Charles exiting this life about 8ins shorter than he had lived it.
America, when it was formed from a very similar row about a century later, was supposed to be different. No man would ever rise so high that he could not be pulled down. The president would always be subject to law, and Congress. None o’ your English tea or tyrants over here, thank you.
Yet the 47th president has governed for the past three weeks by decree. He has not, yet, got a full Cabinet, nor a single law through Congress. He has not just torn through the constitution but done it without an electoral mandate to do so. And had Trump been English, or wearing a shiny hat, the chances are many in America might have noticed it. Particularly the Republicans.
Because ‘we the people’ voted for a Disruptor-in-Chief his actions are being commentated rather than condemned. But be in no doubt: that more perfect union is split, justice is being disestablished, domestic tranquility is at an end, and the blessings of liberty have been urinated upon from a great height by a Tango Tyrant who won’t even give a damn when you DO notice.
Ending birthright citizenship breaks the 14th amendment. Closing the US foreign aid department on unproven claims it is a “criminal organisation” overturns the 1998 law which created it. Freezing a trillion dollars’ worth of federal grants seized control of public spending, a power no president has ever had. Setting tariffs, as Trump has today, on all the imports from countries which send steel or aluminium to the US is not something his Sharpie alone can do. All these things have to be done with a vote in Congress and a new law, but he hasn’t even tried it.
Trump has Congress. By narrow majorities, but it’s his. In the first days of a presidency after an unarguable win, he could try to do it by the book, if he gave even a nod to the US institutions which have created the America he thinks is so great. But he hasn’t, and he won’t, because a) even his friends would argue with him about some of it and b) he wants it done quickly.
Not because he’s 78 and the oldest president ever elected. But because of what comes next – the mid-terms, and then the theoretical end of this second and constitutionally-final term in office. People died the last time he was required to leave quietly. He’s not going to go without at least a small war in 2029.
He does not have enough of a majority to change the constitution according to the rules, so there are only two other options. Break all the rules good and hard, or throw a referendum. If I had to bet, I’d say Trump is going to do both. He’s destroyed the rule book, and is about to start fighting lawsuits. By the mid-terms, he’ll be able to tell America that the Supreme Court which just ruled against him, and Congress which has just blocked a bill, are filled with Enemies of the People. “Them or me?” he’ll ask, and the sheep wrapped in flags will all bleat “Trrrrrrumpppp” all the way to the ballot box. Job done, and king for life.
Of course he won’t have long to live by then, snipers and doughnuts being what they are. But, like Cromwell, he can hand it on to his less-capable son, or find an acolyte to take the crown – like his vice president JD Vance, who has already helpfully tweeted about the lawsuits that “judges aren’t allowed to control the executive’s legitimate power”. Except Trump isn’t acting legitimately, judges are LITERALLY there to control him, and no, this wasn’t what people voted for.
Trump did not tell those half-empty stadia that he would ignore Congress, break the law, or impose an unscrutinised government official like Elon Musk and a team of racist juveniles who would gain unlawful access to every American’s personal data. Nor did he say that he’d end America’s influence abroad, make the US a target for Palestinian jihadists, or leave the race for global domination to China.
Britain once had a king who acted like that. John was the worst we ever had. He tried to grab land but lost it, saw funds spent on anything that did not personally please him as a waste, and sent his kingdom into a long period of civil wars where he wilfully ignored all the rules he had signed up to the week before.
John was a disruptor. But despite the hype he never won a damned thing and lost whatever he had. Trump is the same. He doesn’t start wars because he doesn’t trust his generals and has no strategy beyond bullying. He kowtows to worse tyrants and lies to his people. And in ignoring the constitution, then he’s ditching rules based on Magna Carta, too. Trump has the example of history before him, but is doing it again anyway, like King John in a snit.
That mad monarch’s legacy echoes down 800 years in which 24 generations of the British Royal Family have not dared to name another one after him. There will never be a John II. But in America, they had their own version for four years, he damn near wrecked the place, and then they’ve got him back for a second go. In years to come when they look back at the havoc wreaked on their nation by the 47th president and be so embarrassed they’ll even want to rename Donald Duck.