Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a wife whose husband just walked out and into a new relationship, but is being unnecessarily harsh and upsetting about it
Dear Coleen
My husband of 15 years walked out a few weeks ago and he’s already shacked up with a woman he “recently met”, which I’m not buying. I’m pretty sure they’d been having an affair for some time.
My life has been turned upside down as we have two children together, but the worst bit is he’s being openly hurtful and extremely cold towards me, which seems unnecessary.
He’s got what he wanted and the divorce is going ahead so why is he twisting the knife?
He talks to our children about his new relationship and says things like, “I’ve never been this happy” and “she’s fantastic, you’re going to love her”, as if I don’t even exist.
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He’s also bragged to me about how stylish this woman is, how everyone loves her and that she’s the kindest person he’s ever met – and is a brilliant cook, too.
Does he not understand how all of this makes me feel? What makes someone so cruel?
It’s a side of him I haven’t really seen before, so it’s quite shocking and confusing and I really don’t know how to deal with it. Any ideas on how I can keep my cool?
Coleen says
The way he’s behaving sounds as if guilt might be at the root of it and he’s trying to convince himself and everyone else that he’s done the right thing. He’s also not allowing any space for how it’s impacted you and the kids. He’s glossing over the trauma and disassociating himself from the hurt that he’s caused by being very hard and cold.
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I agree, this is very triggering, but what I think you should do is keep calm in the face of these comments. Don’t take the bait and don’t lose your rag. Try to be as matter of fact as you can by saying something like: “Well, it’s worked out for everyone then, hasn’t it?”
And if he brags about what he’s been doing, then come back with stuff that you’ve been doing (even if you have to make it up or exaggerate!). Just don’t let him see he’s pushing your buttons and that you’re upset. Don’t follow his narrative.
And try not to have contact with him unless it’s about the kids. For everything else, refer him to your solicitors.
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I do think you have to be careful about how he’s talking to your children and, if you can, have an agreement that you won’t badmouth each other in front of them.
He’s showing you who he is with this behaviour and, hopefully, it’s making you realise that you’re better off without him.
You can rebuild your life and be happy again. Good luck.
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