Coleen Nolan advises a reader who can’t afford to go to her brother’s wedding and would rather watch her child’s school play anyway
Dear Coleen
I hope you can help with a family dilemma. My brother is due to get married to his American fiancee in the US this spring, and when I politely replied to their invite to say we couldn’t attend, all hell broke loose in the family.
I love my brother and his fiancee is nice, but my husband and I are strapped for cash right now, so really can’t afford this trip to see them get married.
The other reason is that my daughter, who’s 12, is in a school play the same week and it’s very important to her. She’s always struggled with schoolwork and friends, so this is a big deal for her and getting into drama has been a lifesaver.
I explained all of this to my brother, but everyone keeps focusing on my daughter’s play, and apparently his fiancee said, “I can’t believe she’d miss her brother’s wedding for an awful school play.”
I felt so hurt by this. I’m not expecting them to really understand what we’ve been through with our daughter, as they don’t have kids, but I hoped they’d realise we wouldn’t miss their wedding unless we had good reasons.
I’ve been upfront about the financial issue, too, but it suits them better to focus on the play and make out I’m some sort of obsessed parent.
I feel it’s unfair. How can I get through to them?
Coleen says
I think your brother and his fiancee are being unreasonable. It’s their decision to get married in the US, which is wonderful for them, but I think they should expect that it won’t work for some of the people they want to invite.
For some, like you, the expense is too great and for others it might be an issue getting time off work or not feeling up to such a long journey.
If you can’t go, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your brother or you’re not happy for him; you simply can’t afford it.
That’s the bottom line and that’s what you need to be clear about. It’s not just the cost of the airfare, it’s the hotel, the outfits, the gift and the cost of living while you’re there. So, unless he can afford to stump up the cash for you to go out there, he needs to respect
your decision. Naturally, he’s disappointed because he wants you and your family there, but he needs to take a step back.
Weddings always cause a row somewhere along the line because people get so caught up in the planning and it is stressful.
If he does say he’ll help to cover the cost, then you are in a pickle with the school play, but
why not say you’ll celebrate when they’re back in the UK? Maybe they can come over for dinner or you could go out together.
You will like each other again, when the dust has settled, and your brother realises he’s been a bit of a plonker!