Former This Morning boss Martin Frizell has been taking things a day at a time since his wife Fiona Phillips was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. But there’s one kind act he believes we should can all do for those with dementia
Fiona Phillips may have had her life for ever changed by her early-onset Alzheimer’s diagnosis – but she’s not the only one whose future has never been the same since.
For her family have also been having to learn how to adjust as they go – as her husband Martin Frizell explains they felt “isolated” and left to their own devices.
After three years of watching the disease affect his beloved wife, Martin, 66, has now become somewhat of a self-taught expert – or at least he knows how to best handle it day to day for the sake of his family. And for the former This Morning boss, there’s one major lesson he’s learned: Never say no. Whatever the person says to you, it’s better to improvise with the delusion than cause them to extra distress by arguing against it.
It’s something he learned during his hours of reading on the subject. And while he admits he can’t always pout it into practice, he has been sticking to it recently after Fiona became obsessed with the belief Martin was a kidnapper holding her hostage. Now, every time she becomes particularly distressed, he plays along, pretending he’s taking her back home to her late parents – when really they are just walking round the block. While it may seem counterintuitive, he’s learned it’s the kindest response.
READ MORE: Fiona Phillips’ heart-wrenching health update – as husband reveals bitter irony
Not, of course, that it’s always easy. Martin found it especially hard when Fiona turned round to him one day and said the words he had been dreading; “You’re not my husband”.
In one of the final chapters of Fiona’s new book Remember When, Martin writes: “The experts say you are not supposed to challenge someone with Alzheimer’s when they’re saying things that are completely wrong, but it’s very difficult when you are in that moment and you are just desperately hoping you might be able to get through to them. What am I supposed to say when she says: ‘You’re not my husband!’?” But Martin tries to stick to his coping mechanism. He adds: “Obviously it’s not nice [when she says it] – but I don’t feel hurt by it because I know that isn’t Fiona talking: it’s the illness that has taken her mind.”
The recent kidnap fears have led to the most extreme ‘role-playing’ so far. Martin explains that sometimes Fiona, a former Daily Mirror columnist, is so perturbed he has to take her out the house and pretend they are heading to her parents’ home for a prisoner swap or ransom exchange. Their sons Nathaniel, 26, and Mackenzie, 23, also have to play along.
“The textbooks say to never argue with a dementia patient, although even without the illness you could never win an argument with Fiona, so we play along,” says Martin. “Sometimes Mackenzie has to fetch her electric-blue Whistles coat – one of the very few items of clothing this once-stylish woman now insists on wearing, despite having a room full of outfits – and then Fiona and I leave the house as if I am taking her home.”
Martin pretends he’s walking her back to her parents, who she insists are searching for her. Both her parents also had Alzheimer’s. Her mother, Amy, passed away in 2006, and her father, Neville, was diagnosed shortly after and died in 2012.
“Fiona and I leave the house as if I am taking her home,” explains Martin. “We walk around the block as she loudly proclaims, ‘I’ll never forgive you for tricking me,’ and passers-by stare; then we are back home again, where she goes in and greets Mackenzie as if she hasn’t seen him for days. She has forgotten about her mum and dad and is happy to sit down.”
But Martin, who quit his ITV job to spend more time with his wife-of-28-years also wants to reassure others in his position that the most important thing they can do is to follow their own instincts. For while, as a journalist, he’s naturally spent hours studying the subject in books and listening to experts, he also believes spouses just have to do what feels right at the time – to them.
He says: “It feels as though I have read a million books and online articles about how best to cope with a partner with Alzheimer’s. Some of the advice I agree with – but other bits I’m not so sure about. I think you just have to trust your instinct and deal with whatever is thrown at you as best you can in that moment. By trying to live up to being the perfect Alzheimer’s partner, you are just heaping even more pressure on yourself when there is already so much. And every day is different.”
Indeed the day after Fiona told him he wasn’t her husband, she was back on better form, showing signs of her former witty self. He admits Fiona, 64, is now existing only “in the present” and even struggles to hold a conversation – a skill which was the core of dazzling TV career – as she will often struggle to remember “30 seconds or five minutes” ago.
It’s a poignant revelation as Fiona’s new book Remember When…. hits shelves this week. Readers are able to see how Fiona’s condition changes from the early chapters she started more than a year ago, to the penultimate chapter where Martin gives his update. He insists Fiona however has the last word and had to remind her about the book so she could do the final chapter.
He writes: “I’d like to tell you Fiona is content in the situation into which she has been forced. But that wouldn’t be the truth. She isn’t – she is frustrated every single day. And depressed.”
He adds: “She constantly says she wants to work, but she knows deep down that she can’t. She knows she cannot hold a conversation and she forgets what she wants to tell people. She will give up and crumple. She tries to fight it, but it’s too hard.”
There’s one thing that does make Fiona her former happy self – listening to The Stylistics – her favourite band from when she was a teenager. “Every day, several times a day, she’ll say, ‘Hey Google, play The Stylistics,’,” recalls Martin in the new book. “She begins to sing, word perfect and I stroke her hair as she says, ‘Please don’t leave me.’”
Martin is adamant he will not sugarcoat what is happening and pretend there is any relief. He’s found fewer and fewer friends have kept in touch and says the invites have all but stopped. He knows Fiona can’t go to a dinner party or one of the swanky events they used to attend as a TV power couple, yet says: “But sometimes it would be nice to be asked.”
Fiona was just 61 when she was diagnosed in early 2022. In an early chapter of her new – and probably last – book, she poignantly reveals her fear that she’ll forget the little everyday moments she shares with her sons.
Speaking of her desire to be her former self, she wrote: “I want to watch Chelsea beat Arsenal 3–0 at home. I want our son Nat to come home on leave from the Army and give me one of his bear-like hugs. I want our youngest son Mackenzie to bring me a cup of tea and a biscuit when we sit watching TV together. I want to be me.”
Sadly – as Fiona knew while penning those words – those moments are only going to become harder and harder to have. She bravely chose to share the news of her debilitating and devastating illness in a series of exclusive interviews for The Mirror in July 2023.
In the three-day series, she admitted she had spent years trying to convince herself her low mood and brain fog was caused by something else. – first, long covid and then the menopause.
Remember When: My Life With Alzheimer’s by Fiona Phillips, (Macmillan), is released on July 17