The Mirror’s Granda Kev reflects on the difficulties of grandparent duties and the fear the baby could wake wanting something that he’s unable to give. Just like Stan in The Life of Brian, he’ll never be able to breastfeed
In The Life of Brian 45 years ago, Stan wanting to be a woman called Loretta, unable to have babies but demanding the right to, was simply comedy gold.
The hilarious coliseum debate by members of the People’s Front of Judea – not to be confused with the despised splitters of the Judean People’s Front in the fight against Roman oppression – was free of any anti and pro-trans toxicity that might erupt today.
Insulted Christians picketing the York cinema where I went to see Monty Python’s masterpiece – I’ll rewatch the film at home this Easter, as usual – were far more outraged about their messiah being a very naughty boy.
Stan, aka Loretta, played by Eric Idle, popped up in my head this week while I was pushing newborn grandson Nonchalant N in his pram for the first time while Mam popped into a yoga class to lunge and downward-dog.
He was sleeping peacefully when handed over but for the next 60 minutes my joy was stalked by a terror that the lad might wake and start crying. Experience has taught me when a tiny bairn bawls, they usually want feeding.
But he’s breastfed, a task both Stan-cum-Loretta and I are unsuited to perform.
My daughter did say that if he wailed, I was to ring and she’d leave the yoga class immediately, yet failure would leave a dent in my grandparental pride.
The result was frazzled nerves for an hour. Every time Nonchalant N’s eyes opened was threatening, until they shut tightly back.
It felt like he was playing me. The powerlessness was instructive though, renewing my respect for his mam’s nurturing skills.
Granda duties will be a lot easier when he’s old enough to be handed a biscuit and apple juice. Not that I want to wish away his early months completely.
Looking after Little L and Canny C is child’s play compared with a newborn infant, as my granda radar and early warning systems are already attuned to busy roads, railway platforms, ponds and big booted 16-year-olds on park swings.
She’s booked me next week for another hour of yoga granddaddy day care. Please don’t let him wake. Please.