Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a divorced reader whose 32-year-old boyfriend has said he would like to have children but she already has them
Dear Coleen
I’m a divorced woman aged 42 and I’ve been seeing a man who’s 10 years younger. Our relationship is a lot of fun and we’re both very attracted to each other.
However, I’ve realised I’m falling for him in a deeper way and I think he feels the same. The problem is, I know he wants kids in the future. In fact, he said to me when we were first dating, “This would be perfect, apart from the fact you’re never going to have a baby with me”.
I know that sounds harsh when it’s written down in black and white, but it was said very early on when we were joking around and when neither of us thought the relationship would go anywhere.
It was all about fun, friendship and sex, and nothing too serious then.
I already have two quite young children and, even if I could get pregnant, it’s not what I want at this point in my life. I’m glad those days are behind me to be honest and, after a messy divorce, I just want to focus on myself and my children.
I’d love to hear your take on the matter.
Coleen says
I don’t think you can avoid the serious conversation I’m afraid. If you really don’t want another baby, but your partner does, then you have to ask yourself what the point is in carrying on.
It’s not an issue that will go away, even if you sweep it under the carpet for a bit. He doesn’t have the same time restrictions in terms of fathering a child, but how would you feel if you spent another 10 years having fun with him, falling deeper in love and building a life together, only for him to move on and have a baby with someone else?
I appreciate this is a tough call because you’re clearly good together in so many ways, but if you don’t want the same thing, further down the line it will be an issue.
When we’re in love it’s easy to put these differences to one side, hoping you’ll overcome them, but it’s only delaying the inevitable. So, have the conversation now and maybe even have a break to test what it’s like without each other.
If you were writing to me from the other side of the fence, telling me you wanted a baby, but you’re older boyfriend didn’t, I’d be advising you to think carefully about whether this relationship is right for you because he might not change his mind.