I’ve always been a fan of crisps, though I confess my preferences are rather simple. A packet of good quality ready salted is enough to keep me content, and salt and vinegar just takes it up a notch.
However, being a Kiwi, there are numerous iconic British crisps that many of you have grown up with which I have never tasted. So, I thought what better way to familiarise myself with these flavours than to sample them all (or at least the ones I could find in Sainsbury’s ).
After taking suggestions from my British mates and colleagues, I chose a variety of nostalgic flavours to try, and devised a method for how I was going to do it. Each crisp would be judged on its smell, texture, and taste, with a sip of water in between each to cleanse the palate.
Here are my candid – and somewhat harsh – assessments, in the order I tasted them.
Skips Prawn Cocktail
The British obsession with seafood-flavoured crisps has always baffled me, so I approached these with trepidation. Upon opening the packet, I was pleasantly surprised.
Instead of an expected whiff of low tide, I was greeted with a spicy tomato scent. However, any positive feelings vanished as soon as I popped the first crisp into my mouth, as did the crisp itself.
The texture of Skips is appalling, akin to munching on packing peanuts or wall insulation. I’m suspicious of any crisp that doesn’t require chewing, and the way these dissolved in my mouth was revolting.
The taste was surprisingly pleasant, with a mild tomato flavour and no hint of fish.
Overall, I’d rate them a 5/10.
Walkers Baked Cheese and Onion
Walkers Baked Cheese and Onion crisps had an off-putting smell reminiscent of my old PE changing room in high school – a mix of feet and sweat. Despite this, I bravely gave them a try.
The texture was deceptive; initially seeming like a normal crisp, they quickly turned into a mushy mess that clung to my teeth. The taste was oddly sweet for such a traditionally savoury combination, and the aftertaste was distinctly chemical.
Overall, they get a 3/10.
Twiglets
As for Twiglets, I was initially excited to try them as I’d heard they tasted like Marmite, which I love. However, the smell was off-putting, reminding me of a petting zoo’s feed bags and the animals you feed them to.
Despite my apprehension, I tried a couple of these strange brown sticks. It was a mistake.
The overwhelming taste of burnt bitterness left me searching the packet for an explanation, but none was found. The texture was not my main concern as I was more focused on how such a terrible crisp could be legally sold.
Strangely enough, I felt compelled to continue eating them, perhaps due to my tendency for self-punishment.
Overall, I would give Twiglets -10000/10.
Wotsits Crunchy Really Cheesey
Following the Twiglets disaster, my morale was low. Despite not wanting to continue, I had three more crisps to try. Convincing myself it couldn’t get worse, I carried on. The smell of Wotsits was not as intensely cheesy as anticipated – it was more of a mild whisper, which I found comforting. The texture was agreeable, albeit slightly doughy, and required some effort to swallow.
In terms of taste, Wotsits were the best so far. They were savoury with a pleasing artificial cheese flavour, making them highly addictive. If I didn’t have two more crisps to sample, I would have probably finished the bag.
Overall, they score a 7/10.
Monster Munch Pickled Onion
The scent of these was strange and unidentifiable. Although it’s supposed to be pickled onion, the peculiar tingling sensation in my nose was disconcerting. The texture was similar to Skips but provided a bit more crunch, which I appreciated. The initial taste was astonishing. The initial tangy sweetness was delightful, but the aftertaste left something to be desired.
Despite this, I would probably eat them again and give them an 8/10.
NikNaks Nice ‘n Spicy
This was the final stop on my journey, and what a finale it was! The moment I opened the bag, I knew I was in for a treat.
Sweet, aromatic and spicy, the scent was a warm welcome after everything I had endured. In terms of texture, the NikNaks were slightly crunchier than the Wotsits, which gave them an edge.
The flavour was incredible – bold, with all the sharpness of salt and vinegar but without the sting. For once, the aftertaste was enjoyable and left me craving more.
Despite being the sixth crisp I had tasted before lunch, I polished off the entire bag.
The only crisp to earn a perfect score of 10/10.