A reader admits to agony aunt Coleen Nolan that when he saw sexual messages from his dad to another woman on his laptop, he went straight to his mum and told her
Dear Coleen
I’m a guy in my early-20s and I feel responsible for my parents splitting up. A couple of months ago, I found some messages between my dad and another woman. I wasn’t snooping on him – I never suspected he was having an affair – but I borrowed his laptop with his consent and he’d left the messages up on the screen.
The messages were intimate and sexual, and I was so upset and angry that I blurted it out to my mum without thinking about the consequences.
Long story short, she went mad, threw him out and cried for days. My dad turned up one day, begging for forgiveness, so I weighed in and told him to f*** off and never come back.
I said the entire family hated him, as well as loads of other stuff, which I’m not proud of and have come to regret.
It’s been several weeks now since it all blew up and my dad isn’t seeing this woman any more, and my mum is still broken hearted. What my dad did was wrong, but I think I could have handled things better for everyone concerned and I worry I’ve messed things up between him and me.
We used to be close, but now he’s staying away. I wish none of this had happened and all I want is for my parents to get back together, but I don’t think it’s on the cards. My mum is too hurt. I’d love some advice.
Coleen says
You seem to be blaming yourself for this and it’s not your fault – you had an emotional reaction to these messages. Your dad is the one who’s messed up and let you all down. It’s shocking and upsetting to discover something like this, and you don’t know how you’ll react until it happens.
If you want to be close to your dad again, I promise you it’s possible.
I imagine he’s worried about getting in touch because he knows he’s messed up and that you’re angry. He might be giving you some space for the dust to settle and for everyone to feel calmer. He’s probably also feeling guilt. If getting your point across face-to-face feels too overwhelming right now, then write him an email explaining how you feel.
Add in that while you hate what he did, you don’t hate him. Hopefully, this will lead on to some honest and helpful conversations too.
I understand why you might feel some guilt over exposing your dad’s affair because your parents have split up, but this isn’t on you.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and, yes, maybe you could have talked to your dad first and he could have been the one to tell your mum but I don’t think the result would have been different. I think she would still have asked him to leave.
It’s up to them now to work through this together, but you can still support them both.