‘I don’t feel I have a life of my own now I’m caring for my poorly wife’

Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a married reader who’s the primary carer for his wife and is in desperate need to have some time alone to de-stress

Dear Coleen

I’m a man in my early 40s and, sadly, my wife has a chronic autoimmune condition.

She has good spells, but then has flare-ups where she’s bedridden and it can last for weeks. It’s been tough on our ­relationship – we haven’t had sex in a long time – and the sole focus is her health and keeping on top of everything at home, as we also have a 10-year-old daughter.

It’s been a very stressful few years for me, as I’m caring for both my wife and my daughter, while trying to work full time.

I have virtually no social life and I’m sure I must be depressed, although it just feels normal to me now.

There’s just no fun in my life at all any more.

Of course, I have fun times with my daughter, but I miss adult company and I also miss sex and intimacy. It makes me cry when I think of how close my wife and I used to be and how much fun we had together.

I don’t know what to do because I’m desperate to live my life – I’m still only 42 and feel too young to give up on myself. Any advice would be welcome.

Coleen says

This is a challenging situation for everyone and you’ve done an incredible job of keeping the wheels turning, but you have to give yourself attention, too.

You’re feeling overwhelmed and it’s understandable – you’re having to navigate being (almost) a single parent, while being a carer for your wife and holding down a job. It’s a lot for anyone.

Before the wheels come off, you have to let people in – talk to friends, support organisations, your GP and think about counselling.

Just an hour a week to offload on someone who can help you find your way through the maze of all these emotions and issues is invaluable. Equally, meeting people going through the same thing, and who can relate to how you feel, can help alleviate some of the pressure.

There’s also nothing wrong with confiding in your wife. You’re not expecting her to come up with a solution, but being honest and vulnerable with her is OK and it’s what helps to build intimacy.

Unless she needs constant round-the-clock care, make time for yourself during the week to have a break, see friends, exercise – whatever will help you escape for a bit just to breathe.

Don’t feel guilty about finding some childcare, too, so you can have a social life.

I know some of this stuff is difficult to talk to your wife about, but I hope she’ll have empathy. It’s better to confront things than choosing an escape route and having to pick up the pieces. Good luck.