Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader whose brother could have a wonderful relationship with her son but doesn’t even remember his birthday
Dear Coleen
I’m a single mother in my 30s and my son recently turned three. I split up with his dad a few months after he was born and it’s been difficult.
My ex just couldn’t handle the responsibility of being a father, so eventually I showed him the door. It wasn’t an easy decision, as I was terrified of how I’d cope alone, but I’ve done it with the help of good friends and my parents.
My issue is, my brother is not interested in my son at all, which really hurts. When we’re all together, he pays him little attention and never remembers his birthday.
His girlfriend is just as bad, but they’re always going on about their friends’ kids and how funny or adorable they are, yet show no interest in my son.
I find this behaviour odd, as well as hurtful, but I don’t want to give either of them the satisfaction of knowing how much it upsets me. I would have loved my older brother to be a role model for my son but, at this point, it’s looking unlikely that it will ever happen.
I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want a relationship with his nephew. They could have so much fun together. What would you do?
Coleen says
I’m baffled, too. After what you’ve been through with your ex, I would have thought your brother would want to step up for his nephew and for you.
Maybe they’re both just incredibly selfish and don’t think much beyond their own little social bubble. Sometimes you do take your own relatives for granted and make more effort for friends.
I know you don’t want to say anything, but don’t let your pride stand in the way. You asked me what I would do, and I would let them know that I do care and that I want them to be part of my child’s life.
You don’t have to be mean or accusatory when you say it. Get your brother on his own and say something like, “I feel sad that you don’t have much of a relationship with my son and I wonder why that is. I always thought you’d be a great role model for him”.
He’s your brother and he loves you, so you shouldn’t be afraid to say how you feel. If you care, tell him and if you’re met with a negative response, then you haven’t lost anything because he’s not involved anyway.
Hopefully, he will make more effort but, if not, he’ll miss out on a lovely relationship with his nephew and you’ll still have your wonderful son and plenty of other people to support you.