Coleen Nolan advises a reader who has feelings for a male friend and doesn’t know what to do after their drunken night together. While he didn’t regret it, he’s made it clear that to him, it was just sex
Dear Coleen
I’d appreciate your advice on whether I should distance myself from a male friend who I’ve developed feelings for.
We’re both in our 20s and have been close friends for years. If I’m honest, I’ve always secretly fancied him and wondered what it would be like to date him, but I love our friendship, so I’ve never pushed the romance thing with him, plus he always has a girlfriend.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, after a drunken night out, I invited him back to my place and we ended up sleeping together. It was fantastic but, the morning after, I realised it was just sex for him, even though he agreed it was great and said he didn’t regret it.
We talked a bit about how we didn’t want what happened to affect our friendship and that was it – we haven’t spoken about it since.
Now, though, I’m feeling weird about it – I’m upset that nothing more came of it and, if I’m honest, a bit annoyed with him, and I don’t know if I can go back to being mates the way we were before.
So, should I back off from the friendship? I don’t really want to, but maybe it’s the best thing for me right now.
Coleen says
I understand you feeling hurt that he doesn’t want anything more, but you can’t be mad at him for not feeling the same way you do.
You are great mates, so I think you need to have another discussion, even if it feels awkward, where you explain that it has already affected how you feel about the friendship, so you’re going to back off. I do think that’s fair and a sensible thing for you to do for yourself.
It’s always a risk to cross that line out of the friend zone unless you’re both crossing it in the hope that it’s going to be great and will lead to a romantic relationship. Otherwise, someone usually gets hurt. Rather than ignoring him and becoming quietly more angry and frustrated, tell him you need some time away to get rid of those feelings and get back to a place where you feel OK being mates again.
And unless he has a sudden change of heart and wants to pursue something romantic, then don’t sleep with him again and turn it into a friends with benefits scenario. Have clear boundaries and give yourself the chance to meet potential boyfriends.