Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader whose marriage ended over a decade ago, but she hasn’t been able to move on as she admits she’s living in the past
Dear Coleen
I’m 58 and I met my now ex-husband when I was 16.
After we got married, I really thought all my dreams had come true.
We had two children – a boy and a girl – and we farmed, which I loved as I come from a farming background.
I loved having my own animals and helping my husband on the farm, as well as looking after the kids and feeding the family.
Even though things were a bit of a worry, as we never had much money, life was still good.
Then, after 13 years of marriage, I found out he’d had an affair.
We stayed together to “sort things out”. But I uncovered more about him and this girl, which he denied, saying I was “deluded”.
Eventually, I moved out of the family home to a housing estate, which was nothing like my lovely farm, and it was hard to leave all my animals behind. The night I moved out, she moved in. Perhaps I had been deluded! Well, 13 years on, I still haven’t met anyone I trust, and I think about my ex every day.
I just can’t move on and think about the past constantly.
I’d love some help.
Coleen says
Please stop thinking about your ex every day because he’s not thinking about you and you’re wasting your life. Don’t give him any power over you.
You can’t change what’s happened, all this overthinking is pointless and all you’re doing is driving yourself mad.
It’s normal in the immediate aftermath of a break-up to wallow and look for answers and get angry but, eventually, the only way to move on is to stop thinking about it and keep telling yourself it doesn’t matter.
Push intrusive thoughts away. You have your life to live. In terms of wanting to meet someone you trust, you have to be trusting yourself and give people a chance. If you do meet someone, the difference now is that as soon as you spot a red flag of any kind, you’ll be stronger and you’ll end it.
It might not feel like it, but you’ve come through a lot and you’re still standing, so good for you. You have to build on that now and find what makes you happy.
Maybe working or volunteering with animals would be good for your soul and confidence and put you in touch with new people. You’ve been struggling for 13 years, so think about having some therapy to help you deal with these lingering issues and finally move on.
Once you do, you will be able to look back at some of those times in your marriage with fondness, not pain.