Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader who wants to move on from her husband after 28 years because she doesn’t feel a connection to him any more
Dear Coleen
I desperately need some advice on my relationship. I’m a 52-year-old woman and I’ve been married to my hubby for 28 years, but we’ve been together since I was 15. I’ve only ever been with him but, for some time now, I’ve realised that I’m not in love with him any more. To be honest, I don’t feel connected to him in any way at all these days.
My worry is that if I try to talk to him about how I feel he’ll get angry or even try to do something stupid like harm himself because he’s always saying how much I mean to him.
Our children are grown up now – they’re 23 and 17 – but I think we can still be a family and that the two of us can remain friends. That’s my hope, but I’m not at all confident that he’ll be able to accept that.
The other thing is, I feel so unsure of myself at the moment because I’m going through menopause and my emotions are so up and down. I feel a bit lost, really. I’d love a little advice on how I can move forward and be happy.
Coleen says
Well, the first thing to say, having spoken to many therapists, is that you can’t be responsible for how someone else chooses to react and you can’t stay with someone because you’re scared of what their reaction will be.
You’ve put how you feel very eloquently in your letter, and I think the best approach is to explain it to him in the context of still being in each other’s lives as part of the family, being good parents and enjoying a friendship.
I got to this point with my second hubby Ray when our daughter Ciara was about 17 – the romantic side of things just wasn’t there any more – but we remained friends and now get on better than we ever have. He was more scared about it than me, but we got through it and things are good now.
It’s harder if the other person is still in love with you and it’s not what they want, but it’s also life, and it’s too short not to think of your own happiness. You’ve been a great mum and your kids have grown up, so this should be your time.
Menopause is a triggering time – it was the first time in my life when I stopped and actually asked myself if I was happy. I realised I wasn’t. It forces you to think about yourself and the next stage of your life. Until my mid-50s, I never thought about myself – it was all about my kids and then suddenly they were living their own lives and didn’t need me in the same way. It made me think, “What do I want now?”.
So, if leaving the marriage is what you want, you have to be brave and push through it. It’s not easy, but start the conversation. Also, there is plenty of great advice and medication out there for menopause, so look into it or speak to your GP.