Nicky Wake shared her marriage to a man inadvertently erased her bisexual identity, with many of her friends and family assuming her attraction to women was a ‘phase’
Bisexual identity can often be erased when a bisexual person is in a ‘heteronormative relationship’. That’s why Bisexual Visibility Day (September 23) is so important for those who identify as bisexual, as it celebrates them, and nods to the history of bi people. The day is celebrated as part of Bisexuality Awareness Week, which aims to shine a light on bisexual identities and the cultural acceptance of bisexual people within society.
Nicky Wake, 54, is bisexual, and realised this when she was a teenager. However, when she married a man in 2002, she said her family assumed her being attracted to women as well was “just a phase”.
She explained she first found herself attracted to women when she was just 15. She told Mirror: “In my teens, around age 15, I started to notice I was attracted to women.
“I remember looking at an advert for Baby Oil in Just 17 magazine and finding the image of a naked woman’s back arousing.
“I was confused, especially as I had just kissed my first boyfriend and knew without doubt that I fancied him too! At the time, I wasn’t aware that bisexuality was even a sexual identity, so I dismissed those feelings as just a blip.
“When I was 17, I was dating a guy who openly identified as bisexual. I found that really attractive because he seemed comfortable with his sexuality and progressive.
“We fell in love and moved in together. A year or so later, I opened up to him about my feelings for women.
“He encouraged me to explore my sexuality – I think secretly hoping for a threesome! What actually happened was that I had my first fling with a woman, which I really enjoyed.
“Not long after, I met a Portuguese woman, fell head over heels, and eventually left my boyfriend for her. We split up later when she moved back to Portugal.”
Nicky met her “soulmate” in 2002, but did feel as though her heteronormative relationship erased her bisexuality – especially when it came to her family and friends.
She shared: “I met and fell in love with a man, Andy Wake, my soulmate, in 2002. Andy knew I was bisexual and was incredibly supportive and understanding.
“However, I often felt that friends and family assumed that, because I married a man, I was now heterosexual and that my bisexuality had been ‘just a phase’.
“After Andy passed away, people seemed to expect that I would naturally only date men again, given my long-term monogamous relationship with him.
“In reality, though, the first person I was intimate with after my loss was a woman, a friend, which felt instinctive and natural.
“Losing a life partner makes you question everything about yourself and about life – including your sexuality. It made me see that life is far too short, and that I should open my heart, mind, and body to love again – whether with a man or a woman.”
Now Nicky, who is based around the Manchester City Centre and works as an entrepreneur, is living authentically, and said it’s “refreshing and honest”.
Nicky also claimed Bisexual Visibility Day is important because “it raises awareness of bisexuality in the mainstream and encourages open conversation and debate”.
She also shared “it helps to normalise bisexuality as a valid sexual orientation, while also dispelling myths and breaking down stereotypes and preconceived ideas about bisexual people”.