A couples therapist has answered some commonly-asked questions about relationships, including why people cheat and whether you should really fess up to infidelity
A couples therapist has shared the most common reason partners cheat in a relationship – and the excuses they give for it. The therapist, who specialises in infidelity, has taken to social media to answer commonly-asked questions about romantic relationships.
On Reddit, she said: “If you came across this post because you are on your own healing journey after infidelity, I hope that you find relief and peace as soon as possible.” She was then asked: “What do you think are the most common reasons to cheat and do they differ by gender? Is there also a difference in terms of cheating (both frequency and motivation) between straight and gay couples?”, to which she gave a blunt response.
They said: “Haven’t seen a difference between straight and gay couples. The reasons to cheat are unmet needs. It falls under emotional or sexual and usually involves both.”
Agreeing that a “drunken one night stand” is enough to constitute cheating, the therapist also spoke about emotional affairs and the impact they can have on a couple’s relationship.
“Absolutely, it [an emotional affair] is valid form of infidelity,” they said. “To give you a quick answer to where the barrier is, it depends.
“The barrier is where the line starts to blur and that is different for so many people.
“For instance, as a therapist I am very in touch with emotion and have deep conversations often.
“It is intimate for me, but not in the same way it is for someone who only talks about their emotions with their partner and suddenly they’re confiding in a coworker the same way.
“That is emotional infidelity and creates a closeness that is understood to be exclusive to the relationship.
“The partner would probably be very hurt to hear, ”Oh wow, you told X about X? You only talk about that with me’.”
When asked whether it’s better to disclose cheating or “take it to the grave”, they said: “Affairs should always be disclosed. No matter how ‘insignificant’.
“Not disclosing them takes away the other person’s right to make a decision for themselves and I believe we are all entitled to that. Not telling someone is controlling and manipulative.”
Adding to this, the therapist shared how time doesn’t always heal all wounds – especially if a partner is only just finding out about a historic infidelity.
They said: “I think the passage of time does little for healing. If someone is finding out about something that happened 20 years ago today, it feels like it happened today for them.
“Made worse by the fact that they feel like they now have 20 years of memories and experiences to question and rewrite.”