Dr Lori Beth Bisbey has opened up about the benefits of her happily polyamorous marriage, with her husband now even friends with her lover’s partner
They say there’s one special person for everyone, and for some, this may well come with some bonus additions. New research from La Trobe University has found that non-monogamous couples are just as happy as those in more traditional relationships, with the added plus of being more sexually satisfied. On this note, Dr Lori Beth Bisbey heartily concurs.
The 62-year-old clinical psychologist and Gender Sex and Relationship Diversity Therapist has been with her 66-year-old partner for 16 years, with the couple tying the knot just under nine years ago. After realising that she was bisexual, Dr Lori Beth knew she didn’t want to “give up a large part of sexuality” by being with just one person.
Both she and her husband pursue relationships outside of their primary bond and wouldn’t have it any other way. As much as she loves her husband, Dr Lori Beth is also in love with her other significant partner, who lives in the US.
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The two women speak weekly on Zoom and see each other in person around “three to six times per year”. Dr Lori revealed: “My husband and her husband are friends, and all of us get along well and get together at least once a year. Boundaries are clear and easy as there is a clear hierarchy we have all established.”
In addition to this other significant partner, Dr Lori Beth and her husband “have a couple of periodic playmates” who they tend to see while attending events. Jealousy isn’t an issue here, with Dr Lori Beth clarifying that she and her husband feel “secure” in themselves and in their relationship.
When they got together in the spring of 2009, the couple was already non-monogamous. They were immediately open about their preferences and how they wanted their relationship to run from day one. For Dr Lori Beth, non-monogamy makes much more sense as a concept, helping those looking for love avoid “panic and indecision.”
Dr Lori Beth, who is based in Edinburgh, told the Mirror: “The idea that there is one person for you is not useful even for monogamous people. It leads to panic and indecision when that person hasn’t been found or when there are issues in a relationship that the healthy response to would be leaving the relationship.
“There are a number of people that a person can find who they will align well and with whom they can create a great relationship. Some of these relationships may last a lifetime, others lasting until you outgrow each other.”
According to Dr Lori Beth, she and her husband enjoy a committed life “filled with passion, play, laughter and joy” and knew they were “an excellent match” within the first six months of their relationship. Over the years, they’ve only become more and more certain of their connection.
Offering some insight into their compatibility, Dr Lori Beth, who previously appeared as a specialist relationship therapist on Channel 4’s Open House: The Great Sex Experiment, shared: “He is the first person I have ever been involved with who sees all my needs and supports me in getting them met even when it is uncomfortable for him.”
As she teaches in her professional work, “Jealousy in most people comes from one of two (or both) places: insecurity about yourself or insecurity about your place in your relationship. You can be secure in yourself but not feel like your relationship is stable.”
Envy, however, is a different matter. Dr Lori Beth, who works with people to help them “create and maintain excellent and exciting relationships,” continued: “We are more likely to experience envy. For example, if I am working and he gets to go play, I might feel envious that I don’t get to have fun.
“This has been an issue occasionally in the past 15 years. The reason it is rare is we make sure to carve out space for fun in our relationship and we talk through issues that arise as they arise instead of letting them build up. It takes work, but it is worth it”
The psychologist describes most of her other relationships as “meaningful,” adding that she has “deep friendships” with her playmates. She explained: “I don’t have casual sexual relationships anymore—nor does my husband—we don’t find them very interesting. Sex and play are better when you know someone. We are polyamorous, which means many loves. People who are just non-monogamous may prefer encounters that are purely physical.”
As detailed by Dr Lori Beth, there are numerous benefits to being polyamorous, including “lots of support, intimacy – physical and emotional”, and a “having a higher chance of getting needs met”. However, as with any relationship set-up, there are also a few downsides.
Dr Lori Beth admitted: “Scheduling is a b****. [You] need lots of time for emotional processing with others and by oneself. Sometimes everyone has crazy things happening in their lives so that places higher demands on you for support.”
Overall, however, she would agree with the recent research, which concluded that those in non-monogamous relationships enjoy similar levels of happiness as monogamous couples and are more sexually satisfied.
She reasoned: “I would agree as people in non-monogamous relationships make a specific effort to identify needs and then find ways of getting them met. They do not have to potentially give up sexual desires/interests because their partner isn’t interested – instead, they can seek someone out who shares their desires.”
Dr Lori Beth’s professional specialism is GSRD (gender, sexuality, relationship diversity), and she regularly holds candid discussions on her podcast, The A to Z of Sex. However, it hasn’t always been easy being so open about her personal choices, and she’s previously found that “judgement is all over the place”.
This was particularly apparent when Open House was first broadcast, after which a journalist accused Dr Lori Beth “of orchestrating the demise of marriage”. In her younger years, Dr Lori Beth also faced criticism from her own parents, but this was not enough to deter her from a life that felt right for her and which she feels benefitted her now grown-up son, who always had “stable adults around him that he could go to for help, to talk or to have fun”.
Mostly, however, the sex and intimacy coach doesn’t let herself be dragged down by the differing opinions of others. She argued: “For the most part, I pay no attention to the judgment from others. If they are not feeding me, financing me or f****** me or close friends, then their opinion is less important. If they are a friend, judgment could sting however, my friends are people who accept all of me.”
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