Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader who’s considering having a passionate fling with a man in a similar situation to enjoy having sex again
Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my early 40s with two children and a boring marriage. I feel lonely a lot of the time – my husband and I are like strangers at the moment, and barely go near each other. We’re not close or romantic and sex rarely happens.
Recently, on a day out with some friends I met a lovely man who’s a similar age to me. We got talking and it felt like I’d known him for years, and I found out that he’s in a very similar situation to me.
We ended up confiding in each other about how lonely we both felt and moaned about our partners.
We swapped contact details and we’ve been texting each other a lot, and the messages have become quite flirtatious and sexy.
He’s suggested we meet in secret for sex – which we both miss in our marriages – and carry on as normal with our partners. Ten years ago, when I was newly married, I’d never have thought I could ever have an affair, but now I’m seriously considering it, as long as I could be sure no one would find out.
Although I’m unhappy in my marriage right now, I don’t feel it’s the right time to end it because my kids are still only five and eight. Please help.
Coleen says
Well, you can’t be sure you won’t get found out and the chances are you will. Are you hoping to get away with it until your youngest is 18? If you don’t want to end your marriage because of the affect a separation will have on your kids, my advice would be to work at the marriage and don’t start an affair with this guy.
You have to talk to your husband and tell him you’re unhappy, and you need to discuss what, if anything, you can do to make things better. If you don’t think it’s possible, then my advice would be to end it cleanly.
Of course, no parent wants to put their kids through a divorce – I’ve been in this situation twice – but it can be OK, as long as you commit to putting their wellbeing first during the process and beyond.
My kids have good relationships with their dads. Yes, they’re from broken marriages, which obviously has an impact, but would it have been better if they’d grown up with parents who lived separate lives and didn’t want to be in the same room as each other? I don’t think so.
The reason you’ve struck up something with this guy is down to boredom, but if you left your husband tomorrow and the thrill of sneaking around wasn’t there any more, I think you’d probably find plenty of things that are boring about him.
The naughtiness and the forbidden nature of affairs is what makes them exciting. Affairs are never the answer, but almost always the symptom of a relationship that desperately needs all of your attention and a decision.