Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader who’s been married for nearly 30 years, but has developed feelings for a colleague who he’s connected with on a deep level
Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my wife for nearly 30 years and we’re both in our mid-fifties. Things were more than great for many years, but then life intervened and we had a few tough years financially and with one of our kids.
Since then, we’ve just been going through the motions, but we get on well and rarely argue, although sex is infrequent.
My dilemma is, there’s a woman at work who I’m in love with. I tried to ignore how I feel, but it’s impossible as we see and talk to each other every day.
We’ve had deep conversations and I think she feels the same, but neither of us has ever addressed our relationship directly and nothing physical has ever happened between us.
She’s been honest that she’s unhappy in her marriage, too, and confided that her husband had been unfaithful a few years ago and she stayed for her son.
She’s a decade younger than me and her son is still only 12, so I doubt she’d leave her marriage any time soon and, if it came down to it, I don’t think I could walk out on my wife, even though I’m unhappy.
So, what do I do? Life feels miserable and I spend my days constantly thinking and fantasising about a woman I can’t have. Do I just spend the rest of my days in a loveless marriage and accept that I’ll only ever be friends with the woman I love? Please help.
Coleen says
It sounds like you’re having an emotional affair with your colleague and you’ve become close enough to share details about your marriages. It feels like you’re preparing the groundwork for a sexual affair and that’s often the way it goes.
Look, I understand how romantic and appealing this relationship seems – there’s chemistry there – but you’re both married and so aren’t in a position right now to do anything about it.
Also, all this sexual tension at work might be thrilling, but you don’t know what it would be like to be in an actual relationship with her. Things can often feel very different once they become reality. However, what’s clear is that she’s reignited that spark you thought you’d lost. Is it possible you could find it again with your wife?
You say your relationship used to be “more than great” and maybe it’s not too late to redirect your focus to your marriage to try to make it work.
You need to start with a conversation to find out how she’s feeling and talk about your relationship issues. Maybe the answer is counselling or perhaps it’s making the effort yourselves to find a way back to each other romantically.
An affair isn’t the answer. You owe it to your wife and to your relationship (and to yourself) to be honest that you’re struggling in the marriage and to find a way to resolve things one way or the other.