Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has some advice for a married reader who’s still having a fling behind his wife’s back despite them seeing a marriage counsellor
Dear Coleen
I’m a married man in my early 40s with two young children. About a year ago, I met another women online and we started talking regularly. I wasn’t happy in my marriage at the time and ended up starting an affair with this woman.
I was sloppy covering my tracks, so my wife found out. Since then, we’ve been having counselling once a week, but I’m still seeing the other woman in secret.
My dilemma is, I don’t want to wreck my marriage while my kids are young. I’d like them to have both of us at home.
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But I feel like the marriage is done in all but name.
My wife and I never have sex or spend any real time together – the kids, her job and everything else comes first and now she resents me too because of the affair. I’ve tried to talk to her, but she gets angry and always manages to blame me.
She disagrees with me on everything and it feels like we’re just too different.
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With my girlfriend, things are easy and fun and the sex is great. We connect on so many levels it feels like we’re soulmates.
What do I do? I feel caught between a rock and hard place – wanting to do right by my kids, but also needing to feel happy and fulfilled. Any ideas?
Coleen says
Of course things are easy and fun with the person you’re having an affair with! You don’t have to parent together or talk about bills or whose turn it is to load the dishwasher. You’re living a fantasy with her and it might not feel as fun if your wife finds out again (which she probably will) and you’re out of the house.
If you don’t wish to be married any longer and believe you’ve done all you can to rescue the relationship, then do the right thing and be honest with your wife. You can’t carry on lying to her and your therapist until your kids grow up and leave.
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As for your children, what’s best for them is growing up in a happy home where there’s honesty, love and respect between their parents.
Maybe you’ve been able to shield them from conflict so far, but the cracks will start to show and they will be affected. You can still be a great parent if you separate from your wife – but that’s up to you.
From what you’ve said, it seems your marriage is over for you, but you can’t bring yourself to push the button. If you do want to make a last-ditch go at it, then you have to end the affair and commit to therapy and to telling the truth, and hope your wife is still on board.
But it should be because you want it not just to keep the family together under one roof.
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