Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader who’s distraught after discovering her partner is seeing somebody else when she tracked his phone to a hotel
Dear Coleen
My partner has moved on with a woman he’d been having an affair with and I’m heartbroken.
A few weeks ago, I noticed him acting weird around his phone, but didn’t say anything. Instead, I waited for a time when I could look at his phone and, when I did, there were dozens of messages between him and another woman.
Then a couple of weekends ago, he told me he had to be away for work for a few nights, so I said “fine”, but I tracked his phone to a hotel a few miles away and waited in the car park like an undercover detective until I spotted him with a woman.
I didn’t confront them and waited until he came home to say something.
He was so cold about it, saying she was an old friend and they’d reconnected, and he’d realised he wants to give things a go with her.
He said he didn’t know if it would work out, but he wanted to try.
I was dumbstruck. We’ve been dating since 2022 and are both in our 40s, and I stupidly thought he was a grown up with enough respect for me not to sneak around behind my back. I feel like an idiot.
How do I rebuild and how do I resist if it doesn’t work out and he comes back? I feel like my life has been shattered.
It’s not easy at my age to just find someone else.
Coleen says
It’s easier than you think! But, first of all, don’t hang on to his comment about not knowing if it’ll work out, which was probably designed to give you hope and keep his options open.
You need to go full steam ahead and don’t look back. Whether it works out with this other woman or not is not your concern. Of course you’re hurting because you’re in the throes of grieving something and someone you hoped would be for ever and it’s painful because that person is still out there, starting a new life with a new partner.
It’s awful, but I promise you that every day it’ll hurt a little bit less, especially if you can channel any anger you feel into proving to yourself and to him you’re doing fine, in fact you’re doing better, without him.
I can empathise with that feeling of your future being shattered – when my first marriage broke down, I remember thinking, “This is not how I planned my life”, and I felt lost. It’s OK to have days when you wallow but, the next day, you’ve got to get up and get on with it.
Back to your comment about it not being easy to find someone in your 40s. I started dating in my 50s and I know it’s possible.
I put myself on a dating app and not every date was great, but I met interesting people and, importantly, it helped to build my confidence after years of being single or in long-term relationships.