Liam Payne’s sister has spoken out in a moving tribute on the anniversary of his death. The late One Direction singer tragically died aged 31 a year ago today. He was staying at a hotel in Buenos Aires when he fell to his death from the balcony of his third floor room.
Ruth said: “1year, 12months, 52weeks, 365days… whichever way I say it, it still means the most heartbreaking truth that you’re not here any more. When you used to go away on tour, and I’d cry that you’d be gone for a while, I always knew you’d come back, but now I can’t get you home, I can’t meet up with you somewhere in the world, I can’t facetime or text to see how you’re doing, it’s an eternal homesick feeling because we can’t go back.
“I underestimated grief, woah did I underestimate it. I am paralysed by it daily. I thought I had felt it before but I know the losses before you were just intense sadness, you are the loss of my life, the one person who I will miss at every single occasion in my life. I’d taken for granted that my little brother would be there through life, what a cruel lesson to learn in our 30s, that a sibling is not guaranteed to be a lifer, that I have to face this without you.
“Your death will never make sense, no matter how much I study it, whatever angle I look at it, it never makes sense. You shouldn’t have died. I have a reoccurring nightmare where I am in your hotel room just before it happened and you can’t hear me screaming for you, my brain is locked on your last minutes on this earth, the unaccounted minutes, the minutes I will never have the answers to, the minutes that changed everything.”
She went on to add: “So much has happened in a year, so much to tell you, our kids have changed massively, you would continue to be in awe of your son! I’ve definitely got funnier (I know you’re thinking how is that possible right?!) – some of the jokes I make really make me smile because I know they would have earned me a ‘ruuu’ off you, I’ve visited some beautiful places but each place has confirmed, no matter the view, I will still feel your void from all corners of the earth.
“Theres so many things that have happened where I’ve tried to imagine what would be said if you were in the room, how you would expect me to react or handle things for you, maybe a ‘Liam would love this’, or alot of ‘Liam would be fuming this is happening’ but then the thoughts are followed by the emptiness of your absence.
“I’m sorry I have not been able to keep my promises to you in the event of your death, it will forever haunt me how little I have been able to do as you said. We were so naïve in our conversations about this serious stuff in how much of the law is in death, outdated laws we never knew existed where nothing is simple, why would we know about them in our early 30’s, the devastation just sinks deeper with every bit of you I fail.”
Continuing, Ruth said: “I saw a post on tiktok that said something about ‘If you had 5 more minutes with the person you miss the most, what would you do? I’ve thought about this alot, 5minutes to properly say goodbye to you. It’d be at your house. I’d want to be in tthe room first so that I can hear your feet and ankles clicking as you walk towards it and then get that feeling of joy the moment you walk in, with your shoulders in the unique way they hang. I’d then ask for us to go and walk around your garden, this was always where we would really catch up on plans and things that were bothering us.
“We’d stop to listen to the bird noise, you’d say “it’s a woodpecker that is’ and I’d agree knowing nothing about birds. I’d tell a joke and you’d laugh in your kidish way, with that twinkle in your eye. We’d walk round to my car, you’d quip ‘my father drives a jaguar’ (noone has made this joke to me since you’ve been gone). We would hug, a tight bear hug, the only hug that made me feel calm, I’d tell you how proud I am of you, not just proud of your job, proud of the person you are, we’d leave on the love you mate’ and as I drove away, you would be stood waving in my rearview mirror.
“If someone would have asked me on the 17th October 2024, as I sat assessing the giant gaping wreck that had been left, if we’d all get through this, I’d have said not a chance, the life of our family had been completely extinguished and even then I knew it was impossible to mend. I think of my grief as a clock, I explained to you years ago when I was nagging you to be better at answering your phone, that my head was like the “Weasley’s clock” out of Harry Potter, where it would check everyone in our family in before I could switch off and with you travelling the world, it’d really need your confirmation of being safe and sound before I’d settle. Only now, there is a number missing off the clock, which means nothing in my days makes sense and it feels like noone is safe and sound.
“You died which is something that happened, but your absence is something that happens to me everyday before I even open my eyes. I am now the girl who looks robins in the eyes just incase it is you, the girl who hopes the butterfly ahead lands on her incase it is you, the girl who says ‘goodnight Liam’ to the stars each night just incase that’s where I will find you.
“Wherever you are, I hope you can hear me, I hope you are guiding me and I hope you know the love I have for you is infinite. I hope I get the chance to be your sister in every lifetime. For a year, I have watched people speak and draw conclusions on Liam and his death, a spectator of the most triggering interviews and comments, without any warning or heads-up that my persons death is about to once again be discussed publicly, whilst I am desperately trying to resume my normal life that doesn’t fit around my grief or me anymore.
“Whilst I am still on my knees struggling to regain balance since my world burned down and every time I try to take a step, something comes and sets fire to all the progress I thought I had made in my mind, in trying to understand where or why Liam isn’t here helping me through this.
Everyone only seems interested in the public side of this, some sadly seem more interested in the fame they can gain off this, but on the human side people need to remember when they speak, there is a son without his Dad, parents without their child and I am lost without my brother. Love always Liam, in every lifetime.”