Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader struggling to cope with a very heavy load, grief after losing her husband and caring for her grandchildren
Dear Coleen
It’s hard to know where to start. My husband passed away three years ago. It had been very hard caring for him as well as my grandchildren who lived with us. Their mother walked out of their lives when my granddaughter was seven and my grandson was only five months.
I got legal custody of the children six months after my husband died. We are still private renting and have been on the council housing waiting list for two years, even though we have medical priority, as my grandson, who’s four now, is non-verbal autistic.
There is no privacy in our garden, which makes the children anxious, and we’re paying huge rent.
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Caring for my grandson means I can’t work and the list goes on. No one seems to understand or care and we have no support from family or friends.
I’m trying so hard to move to another house, one that doesn’t hold painful memories of my husband’s illness, and make a new start for the three of us.
I’m not a spring chicken any more, but I love my grandkids, who keep me young. I’m not looking for sympathy – I’m strong – but sometimes life feels hard. I will keep fighting for the children and hopefully our luck will change.
We will survive somehow, but any words of encouragement would be welcome.
Coleen says
You’ve taken on so much later in your life and you’re doing your best for your grandchildren with very little help – you’re a superhero in my eyes.
If you hadn’t stepped in, the children would have had to go into care. On a practical level, make sure you’re getting all the financial help you’re entitled to and deserve, as well as any support with your grandson.
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Shelter has excellent housing advice and support online, as well as helplines (see england.shelter.org.uk). And visit nhs.uk/conditions/autism/support for a list of national charities, local support groups and more. I know it’s hard to focus on yourself when you have so much on your plate, but your health and wellbeing are important. See your GP and explain the pressure you’re under. They might be able to refer you for some counselling.
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Just being able to offload and to talk about your grief would help. You’ve been through a lot in the past few years and probably haven’t had space to grieve for your husband properly.
You don’t say why you have no support from friends or family, but don’t be afraid to reach out to people and tell them you need help, respite or just someone to talk to. Sometimes you just need people to say you’re doing great.
I’m here to tell you that you’re doing an amazing thing for your grandchildren and I hope that life gets a little easier for you all soon.
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