It can be exhausting messaging your friends all day – but how infrequent is too infrequent? A relationship expert reveals whether TikTok’s ‘low maintenance friend’ trend can actually be healthy
Do you have a best friend you rarely see except for the odd catch-up and occasional text? According to TikTok, you might be in a “low maintenance friendship” – but some think it’s a sign you don’t actually like each other.
The term has been trending for the past while, and for many, it’s a positive thing. A plethora of videos have been posted praising their “low maintenance besties” to the tune of thousands of views.
One video by @kale, which received over 4.7 million likes, described the euphoric feeling of “when I find a friend that doesn’t require constant texting to maintain a friendship because we both understand life gets busy.”
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Another video showed a TikToker, Amourdotla, proudly declaring themselves to be the low maintenance friend. She said: “If you don’t want to text me for months and suddenly wanna hang out, I’m down and I’ll legit treat you the same. I don’t need constant reminders and reassurance of our friendship.”
However, not everyone is so enamoured with the idea of a “low maintenance friendship” – with some arguing it’s a nicer way to say “low effort”. Others seem to think these “friends” are confused over the definition of their relationship. TikToker @aliceyyg said: “‘Low maintenance friend’? Girl, you mean your acquaintance.”
Others have declared that they’re “no longer entertaining low maintenance friendships”, as they believe the term is a cover-up for laziness and a lack of interest in each other’s lives. They’ve also criticised the “I don’t owe anyone anything attitude”, which seems to be particularly pervasive among Gen Z. As one commenter put it: “People always WANT a community but don’t want to BE the community.”
Of course, there is nuance here. As some have pointed out online, being a low maintenance friend becomes pretty inevitable if you live in different cities or even different countries. People can have busy jobs, or full-on family lives, which means it’s not always possible to be physically present. So, what then? Does it mean you can’t be as close?
Hope Flynn, relationship expert and founder of So What? Community says it that low maintenance friendships can work – under certain circumstances. She says: “On TikTok it’s become the latest prize to have low maintenance friends. These are the kind of mates you might not speak to for weeks or even months but when you finally meet up it’s like nothing’s changed.
“For lots of us this can feel like a blessing because between work, family and the endless Whatsapp chats – the idea of friendships that don’t demand constant attention is appealing. These friendship’s/relationships survive on trust – you know your friend still cares even if they don’t like every Instagram post or check in with you every other day.”
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However, she warns these friendships become a problem when people conflate low maintenance for no effort. She says: “If one person is always the one making plans, picking up the phone or messaging, while the other drifts along doing the bare minimum, it can stop feeling mutual pretty quickly. Without the odd catch-up, a friendship can quietly fade away.”
“So, are they healthy?” she continues. “The short answer is, they can be.
“When both people genuinely feel comfortable with less frequent contact and crucially, still show up when it matters, then low maintenance friendships can be some of the most secure friendships in the world. These friendships are built on flexibility and trust – not constant check-ins.
“It’s key to remember ‘low maintenance’ does not mean zero effort. A birthday text, a catch up now and then, or turning up for milestones can go a long way. At the end of the day, friendship isn’t about how often you talk – it’s about knowing someone’s there when it matters most!”
How to make a ‘low maintenance’ friendship work
Hope says there are ways to make a low maintenance friendship work in a healthy way – so long as certain criteria are met.
- When both people are genuinely happy with less frequent contact
- Occasional effort like a birthday message or showing up when it matters is key to keeping them strong
- Low maintenance shouldn’t be an excuse for one-sided effort or neglect
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