Donald Trump is flying back to Washington in time for a Halloween nightmare – and some idiot gave him in-flight WiFi
As you read this, Donald Trump is in the air, on his way back to Washington DC, just in time for a Halloween nightmare. And we’re not just talking about him and Melania overseeing a trick or treat parade at the White House tonight. No, as he returns from his jaunt around Asia, the Government shutdown is barrelling on into its second month. And people are starting to say things like “…Donald? You there? Anything you fancy getting involved in mate? Or are we still prioritising the demolition of national landmarks to make way for honking vanity ballrooms at this time?
Meanwhile in Trumpworld
- He declared an elderly cancer patient should be jailed
- He restarted US nuclear testing
- The White House meddled in a pardoned J6ers prosecution to remove Trump references
- And anti-protest squads are being deployed in every state
Here’s everything you need to know. Buckle up
King Trump
1. Trump declares Joe Biden ‘should be in jail’ – and says he ‘loves watching him sqirm’
During his flight home, Donald Trump managed to get online long enough to declare Joe Biden ‘should be in jail’, and that he loves watching the one person who ever beat him in an election ‘squirm’. He posted on a link to an article on far-right pro-Trump website JustTheNews, which claimed “experts” had declared a memo that launched the FBI investigation into Trump and his allies over January 6th was ‘thin on evidence’.
The ‘expert’ in question is House Judiciary Committee chairman Jim Jordan, a pro-Trump Republican, whose committee this week claimed Biden’s final round of pardons were ‘void’ without citing any evidence that they were improper – only a lack of evidence that they weren’t. Which is clearly not how the law works.
Anyway, Trump decided that a MAGA flunky saying it “sure looks” like the memo was short on evidence was, in itself, evidence enough to jail Biden, 82, who has stage 4 prostate cancer.
“He is a CRIMINAL AND SHOULD BE IN JAIL. A MAJOR LOWLIFE AND FAILURE. An ugly person, both inside and out! I beat him badly, and love watching him squirm now.”
He did not beat him. The only time Trump ever ran against Biden, Joe won in a landslide.
2. White House meddles in J6 rioter’s prosecution to scrub Trump references
Two federal prosecutors were suspended on orders of the White House, MSNBC reported last night, after they filed a memo seeking 27 months in prison for a pardoned January 6th rioter who brought guns and ammo to Barack Obama’s house in 2023.
Taylor Taranto, 37, was arrested outside Obama’s house shortly after Donald Trump posted the former President’s address on Truth Social.
The sentencing memo was redrafted following the suspension of the two prosecutors, scrubbing all mentions of Taranto’s involvement with the January 6th attempted coup and references to Jan6 being carried out by “thousands of people comprising a mob of rioters.”
The redrafted memo also omitted a sentence pointing out he went to Obama’s house directly after Trump posted the address on Truth Social.
Donald Trump pardoned Taranto on his first day in office.
3. The South Korean president gave him a crown, which was a bit on the nose
This happened yesterday, but due to unforeseen circumstances (which will become clear tomorrow), we didn’t do a roundup yesterday. And this is just too good to leave on the table.
The President of South Korea, Lee Jae Myung, not only gave Trump a shiny gold medal for being such a good boy, he gave him a massive gold pointy crown.
Trump vs the World
4. Trump and Xi agree soybeans deal…but that’s about it
Trump says he’s made some deals with China after his meeting with Xi Jinping in Beijing.
He told reporters on Air Force One that tariffs he slapped on China over “fentanyl” earlier this year would be cut from 20% to 10%, bringing the overall tariff down to 47%. In return Xi agreed to buy 25 million metric tons of soybeans a year for the next 3 years. They’ll also suspend controls on rare earth minerals for a year.
Unfortunately they apparently didn’t discuss the thorny subjects of Taiwan and China continuing to buy Russian oil during the meeting. He said the subjects “never came up.” And TikTok isn’t sorted yet, either. Maybe next time, eh?
5. Trump goes nuclear
Moments before going into the meeting, Trump made an eye-popping announcement on (where else?) Truth Social.
He declared America would restart testing its nucear arsenal, something it hasn’t done since the 1990s. “Because of other countries testing programs, l have instructed the Department of War to start testing our Nuclear Weapons on an equal basis,” he wrote. “That process will begin immediately.”
It seems to have been prompted by Russia doing some testing of nuclear-based weapons in recent days and weeks.
Speaking on Air Force One on the flight home, he told reporters other countries “seem to all be nuclear testing” but when it comes to the US, “We have more nuclear weapons than anybody. We don’t do testing.”
Most other non-rogue nuclear states are not testing
The Surge
6. Anti-protest squads to be deployed in every state by January
The Pentagon has ordered the National Guard to create “quick reaction” squads to respond to civil unrest and “riots” – in every state in the US – and “war secretary” Pete Hegseth wants them in place in a hurry.
The Wall Street Journal reports the anti-protest squads will be set up and ready to crush dissent with extreme prejudice as soon as January next year.
The Shutdown
7. Kash Patel ‘used FBI Jet’ to watch girlfriend sing at a wrestling event
Kash Patel is alleged to have used a $60 million FBI jet to fly from Washington to Pennsylvania State University to watch his girlfriend perform at a wrestling event. Patel, 45, is said to have flown to see partner, country singer Alexis Wilkins, 26, Real American Freestyle event at the University last week – while the government was almost a month deep in a shutdown.
And finally…
8. JD Vance goss on at length about how only bad people mistreat animals…but he may be forgetting something
JD Vance went on a bit of a rant about Twitch streamer Hasan Piker, who is alleged to have used a shock collar on his dog. He called it “disgusting”, and on this, for once, we agree.
But he went a bit further – declaring – again correctly – that people who are able to hurt “innocent animals” are “probably the kind of person who doesn’t worry about suffering in people.”
If you mistreat dogs, that’s a 100% sign that you’re gonna be a really terrible person,” Vance said.
It’s prompted many to note that Homeland Security Director Kristi Noem, currently overseeing the rounding up and deportation of migrants, across the US, boasted in a book about shooting her dog in and dumping its body in landfill.
9. Elon Musk is calling for civil war in the UK again
Elon Musk is back at it again, reminding us he’s still about, calling upon the English to “ally with the hard men, like Tommy Robinson and fight for their survival or they shall surely all die.” It comes after Robinson seized upon the shocking murder of a 49-year-old dog walker in Uxbridge earlier this week.
Musk retweeted him to his billions of followers, plus all the people who don’t follow him but still get his tweets in their timeline, adding the following truly unhinged noodling: “When Tolkien wrote about the hobbits, he was referring to the gentlefolk of the English shires, who don’t realise the horrors that take place far away. They were able to live their lives in peace and tranquility, but only because they were protected by the hard men of Gondor. What happened to the nice man who was brutally murdered while walking his dog will happen to all of England if the tide of illegal immigration is not turned. It is time for the English to ally with the hard men, like Tommy Robinson, and fight for their survival or they shall surely all die.”
So there you have it folks, Elon Musk thinks you’re an ignorant Hobbit. And your only saviour is Tommy Robinson – a hard man of Gondor and not a grifting, far right chancer thug. Thanks Elon.