Our journalist hadn’t stepped foot on a stage since a child – then she was thrust into the spotlight in Clueless The Musical in front of hundreds of people
“Fancy a part in Clueless The Musical?” an enthusiastic PR asks me out of the blue. My initial reaction, in the style of Cher Horowitz herself, is “As if!”
I’ve been asked to do the weird and the wonderful in this job – but this is right up there. I’d been to see the show at London’s Trafalgar Theatre a few weeks before and was blown away by the slick performances, particularly that of lead Emma Flynn, who plays entitled Cher. These guys are pros. My acting experience, however, extends to two nativity plays. And in one of those, I merely shook a bell.
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But, as Clueless celebrates its 30th anniversary and the stage show gets ready to tour the UK, now is a wonderful time to get involved. Even if I am flushed with fear… and if all the nervy public-speaking moments I’ve ever done are flashing before my eyes.
The week before my West End debut, I pop in for a meeting with the wardrobe department. A checked skirt with cute cardigan helps transform me, a 38-year-old mum-of-two, into a US high schooler from the 90s. That’s no mean feat.
Then I get my brief: I’ll be treading the boards in the party scene. As a huge fan of director Anne Heckerling’s 1995 movie starring Alicia Silverstone as Cher and Paul Rudd as her brother Josh, I was delighted to see they’d stayed true to it in the stage show, which included a raucous gathering at a Valley house. This is where I will appear – at the bar, my spiritual home. I am tasked with knocking back shots of vodka (fake, of course) and dancing (awkwardly) in the corner. It sounds a lot like my uni days. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.
The big day finally arrives. My name may not be up in lights but I will be slightly illuminated in the corner of a two-minute scene with no lines. Believe me, it is the safest possible option. I thought I’d be – in Clueless speak – totally buggin’ with nerves but I am strangely calm. I have a job to do. The show must go on.
I share my limited past experience with the lovely cast. I tell them how I played Mary in Year 4. I had three lines, which I still remember to this day – “I am very tired”, “Let’s take it” and “I can’t walk another step”. There were a few whoops from the nativity audience but I think they were just being kind.
Now, running through two speedy Clueless rehearsals, I am struck by how fast-paced everything is. As a journalist, I’m used to a deadline – but this is something else. There is no time to dilly-dally as the audience will be here in less than hour. Eeek!
I am whisked off to a makeshift dressing room (someone’s office) where it is left to just little old me to get myself stage ready. Even the proper cast don’t have full hair and make-up at their disposal so I simply slap on five more layers of make-up than I’m used to. “More contour!” implores the lovely PR who lined me up for this gig in the first place.
The five-minute call rings out over the tannoy. It is almost show time. I joke to resident director Kirsty Malpass that maybe I need a bit of Dutch courage. Apparently that’s a big no-no in theatre, I’m told. Sober it is, then! I make my way to the wings, ready for my call, and pop on my costume’s final touch – sunglasses. I can barely see a thing. All I can think is, “Please don’t trip”.
Isaac J. Lewis is my patient and reassuring chaperone. He plays Christian – Cher’s love interest. He leads us out on to the stage, carrying light-up snowmen and the next couple of minutes are a blur.
As the ensemble crack out their choreographed dance moves, I do a little shuffle in the corner as my alter ego, the new girl at school. The persona develops at lightning speed and before I know it, I am being called out on stage by Dionne (Chyna-Rose Frederick) for flirting with her boyfriend Murray (Rabi Konde). Well, I did want to make an impact, didn’t I? Before I know it, I’m stepping back out into Trafalgar Square wondering if it ever really happened, or if it was all just a dream.
Later, when asked how it went, a Clueless quote comes to mind, Cher speaking to Tai: “No, she’s a full-on Monet. It’s like a painting, see? From far away it’s OK, but up close it’s a big old mess.” Sounds about right.
Clueless The Musical is on at the Trafalgar Theatre, London, until August 23. For tickets, go to cluelessonstage.com
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