Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a struggling reader whose mum’s illness is making him feel guilty because he doesn’t really want to go see her any more
Dear Coleen
I’m a married man in my 40s and my mum, who’s in her 70s, has had dementia for a couple of years. In this time, she’s gone from being a sweet, kind person to someone who’s really aggressive and verbally abusive.
Sadly, my kids now get frightened by her when we visit her in her care home, so I’ve stopped taking them.
My wife is very supportive and has gone over and above to help me out, but I don’t want to burden her too much with how I’m feeling, as she has other things on her plate.
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It feels lonely and incredibly depressing. I feel like a bad person when I don’t visit my mum and maybe I am selfish, but sometimes I have to cut myself off from her altogether to cope. I’d be very grateful for any advice you might have.
Coleen says
Firstly, you need to know you’re not alone in this. I’ve been through the same, feeling incredible guilt over dreading going to see my mum.
She had Alzheimer’s and had very similar behaviour to your mum so I understand how hard it is to cope with. I used to go to bed at night, praying for God to take her peacefully because it was so awful for her and so tormenting for us.
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You mustn’t ever feel you’re a bad son or you’ve failed her. Please speak to the Alzheimer’s Society (alzheimers.org.uk). We spoke to them a lot when my mum was ill and they helped me see everything I was feeling was OK and normal. You can join the online community and find support near you, and there’s a support line (0333 150 3456).
I’m lucky in that I come from a big family, so we had each other to talk to and could share visits. So, for you, I think it would be so helpful to connect with other people who are going through it with a relative or have been through it.
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You should still talk to your friends. They may not have personal experience, but they can still listen and be there for you. It’s important to look after yourself, find ways to relax and get some respite, and you mustn’t feel guilty for that.
Even though she can’t communicate it, you know your mum wouldn’t want you to feel burdened or guilty.
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