Agony aunt Coleen hears from a reader who says she has a great relationship but whenever her girlfriend has a drink, she ignores her and goes off with strangers
Dear Coleen
I’ve been in a same-sex relationship with another girl for just over a year and we’re both in our mid-20s. I hope you can help, as I’m unsure if I’m being needy or if my partner is the one in the wrong. I have an issue with how she behaves when she’s drunk. Basically, she tends to dismiss or ignore me and make me feel unwanted if her friends happen to be around, even though I get along with them fine.
One night a few weeks ago, we were out dancing and an acquaintance of hers came over and they left me on the dancefloor looking like a fool. I went back to the table where my partner was chatting to an older man, who was grabbing her hands. I tried to get her out of this conversation, as he was clearly seeing it as something it wasn’t, but she kept ignoring me and her other friend.
I spoke to her about it the next morning and she said she didn’t want to be rude to her friend or this guy, yet she was happy to ignore me. She always prioritises other people and it doesn’t sit right. A couple of weeks previously she’d left me at a gig to chat to some strangers she’ll never see again.
I’m not OK with it and need an outside perspective. Whenever I talk to her about it, she apologies, then does it again. Outside of these drunken nights the relationship is fantastic.
Coleen says
You’ve obviously had a lot of conversations about this where she apologises and you forgive her. In her mind, if she messes up again, she knows she can say sorry and everything will be fine. So, I think you need to find a way to make a firmer stand because she’s not listening, she’s not respecting how you feel and she’s not changing her behaviour.
Also, I think you need to reflect on whether you actually want to share your life with someone who can disregard you so easily. She literally cuts you off when she’s had a drink and it tells you she takes you for granted. So, the next time she does it, be strong and leave the venue. Tell her you don’t know if you want to carry on with the relationship and take a couple of days or a week to think about what you want. Don’t be with her or contact her during that time, and hopefully she’ll also think about things and feel what it’s like to miss you.
Talk to her about her drinking, too – if alcohol affects her this much, then she needs to know her limit and not go over it when she’s out. She needs to start behaving like she’s in a relationship if she wants to be in one.