Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader whose husband has become lazy after retiring, lazing on the sofa doing nothing all day and not helping out with the housework
Dear Coleen
My husband and I are both retired and have been married for 42 years.
We are very lucky to have three grown-up children and three wonderful grandchildren.
My problem is, while I’m busy every day, cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing and seeing to everything else that needs doing around the house, my husband is quite happy to do absolutely nothing.
He just sits around all day on the sofa, scrolling through his phone or watching the telly.
He used to at least go out for a walk every evening after work, but since retiring he doesn’t even bother with that any more and, as a result, he’s put on three stone in weight.
He’s also been diagnosed with high blood pressure and mild emphysema.
Apart from the fact he does nothing to help at home, I worry about his health.
But when I suggest it might be good for him to go out for a walk, he immediately gets very angry with me.
I’d be very grateful if you could provide any suggestions on what I can do about this frustrating situation and how I can get my husband to listen.
Coleen says
If he’s been diagnosed with these health issues, maybe he’s worried that any kind of activity is risky? I think it’s a question of reassuring him that some form of gentle exercise is beneficial and healthier than none at all.
You might have to encourage him to see his GP, so he can hear it from a professional. But, obviously, if he’s put on three stone through inactivity, then it’s bad for his heart and blood pressure.
Perhaps he’s got himself into a bit of a rut and he’s feeling low mentally but finds it difficult to talk about.
Retirement is a big life change and takes some adjustment to. It sounds like you’re keeping yourself very busy, but maybe he’s struggling to know how to fill his days after working all his life.
I wonder if you could come up with some things that you could both do together that he’d enjoy? Rather than pointing out what he’s doing wrong, it might be a question of giving him some encouragement and building his confidence.
As for doing things at home, try doing a bit less, so he has to do more for himself, like get up from the sofa to make himself a cup of tea.
Now you’re both retired and at home together, you probably need new boundaries around who does what. The fact that he doesn’t seem bothered while you run around is very frustrating.
Tell him that while you don’t expect him to run a marathon or spring-clean the house, you do expect him to do something because it will be good for him and your relationship.