Coleen Nolan advises a frustrated reader in his 50s who loves his wife but is missing the intimacy
Dear Coleen
Any ideas on how I can enjoy a good sex life with my wife again? We’re both in our mid-50s, our kids have left home and we’re both fit, active and look good, which I hope doesn’t sound arrogant. The problem is, my wife has shut down sex after going through menopause.
She’s been up-front about it and says she still loves me and finds me attractive, but has zero sex drive. She says she doesn’t feel like it, think about it or even miss it. I know menopause is tough physically and emotionally (I’ve done my research), but she doesn’t seem to want to get treatment for it.
She claims her doctor wasn’t that helpful, but I don’t think she’s keen on the idea of HRT. I don’t understand why she wouldn’t consider it if it helps her and our relationship.
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I’m nowhere near ready to give up on the physical side of our relationship and I want to be close to her again. It’s a sensitive subject to bring up with her, though. Any suggestions on how to go about resolving this without causing conflict? Every other aspect of our life together is good.
Coleen says
I think it’s a shame her doctor wasn’t more helpful, especially as there is so much information and research out there now, along with better HRT treatment. My first suggestion would be to gently encourage her to get a different doctor or see a specialist.
I know from talking to many of my friends that bioidentical hormones have improved their general wellbeing, energy and mood, as well as their sex lives. There are also low-dose HRT pessaries, which can make sex easier and more enjoyable and combat UTIs, plus they carry less risk as there’s minimal absorption into the rest of the body. There are also creams and natural remedies available over the counter.
In terms of your love life, it might help to take the emphasis off penetrative sex initially to remove any pressure she might be feeling. Being intimate in other ways could help with confidence and desire, and bring you closer. Also, rebuild intimacy outside the bedroom – dial up the romance. They say 90% of desire is in the brain. If you focus on reconnecting as a couple, it’ll be easier for both of you to talk about your sex life and find a way forward.