Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a recently separated reader who’s worried about the impact the split is having on her angry 15-year-old daughter
Dear Coleen
My husband and I decided to separate six months ago and we have one daughter, who’s 15.
At first things went smoothly – we were civil to each other and our daughter seemed to accept things quite well.
We did all the stuff you’re meant to do in this situation – long conversations, reassuring her we’d still be around for her as much as ever and it would mostly be about getting used to the new living arrangements.
We decided she’d stay with me during the week and see her dad every weekend, plus we planned some things to do together as a family.
I thought we’d cracked it, but recently things have been hell. She’s been acting out a lot at home and at school, arguing with us, shutting us out and going AWOL with her friends.
It’s meant I’ve started to argue with my ex and we keep blaming each other.
He’s blaming me more, as I was the one who wanted to leave the marriage.
Can you offer any advice? I’m really worried our daughter is going to go off the rails and hate us forever.
Coleen says
I think the reality of the situation is probably sinking in, plus she’s at a very tricky age.
Those years from 15 to 18 are hard. She’ll be extremely hormonal and making that transition from child to young adult. These days, 15-year-olds seems so grown up and mature, which means we might expect them to act like adults when they’re not. Every 15-year-old is still a child emotionally and your daughter is probably feeling very vulnerable and sad right now because the stability of her world has been shaken.
Now is the time for you and your ex to talk again. Stop blaming each other, unite as parents, and sit down with your daughter and ask how she’s feeling.
Just listen to her, let her get it all off her chest and don’t get defensive. Some of the things she says might be hurtful or even wrong, but it’s her story. Acknowledge how she feels and ask what you can do to help. It’s important for her to know she’s being listened to and that her feelings are equally important.
It sounds like she might be lashing out in the wrong ways to get attention and maybe she’s not as OK with you separating as you first thought. Let her know that whenever she’s feeling upset or angry she can come and tell you and you can talk about it.
It’s still OK for you to put boundaries in and, if she goes AWOL with her mates, then have a consequence for that.
Work together with her school and think about family therapy, which is a good option if you feel stuck. Good luck.
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