Resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader frustrated over his wife splashing the cash on expensive big-ticket items without asking his thoughts first
Dear Coleen
I’m a 42-year-old married man with two kids who are at primary school. I have become increasingly frustrated in my marriage, mostly because my wife doesn’t feel the need to run anything by me.
What upsets me the most is that she spends money like it’s going out of fashion. I’m not expecting a rundown of everything she buys, but when it comes to big purchases like electronic devices and furniture, for example, I’d like to have a say.
I’m the main breadwinner, but my wife works part-time and we’ve had a joint account since we got married. Whenever I try to bring up the issue of money, she gets angry and defensive, and starts shouting about how unreasonable I am.
I don’t think I am at all, in fact I think I’m a pretty good husband and father and she doesn’t appreciate it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to know how much we’re spending, plus I’d like to save for holidays and keep some in the bank as a safety net in case either of us is out of work.
Maybe that sounds boring, but one of us has to be financially sensible. How can I get her to accept that I have a right to my opinion and that we’re supposed to be a partnership, without her flying off the handle?
Coleen says
I think she’s taking you and the situation for granted, so it feels like she doesn’t respect you or appreciate you. If it’s difficult to discuss without things getting heated, you could suggest relationship counselling to focus specifically on the financial issue.
But before you go down that road you could try to arrange a time to go through your bank statements together and talk about how you’re spending your money – what you need to budget for (the mortgage and household bills, for example) and things like holidays that you need to save for. Maybe if she sees the figures in black and white, she’ll realise how much she’s spending and that it’s not a bottomless pit.
If you’re going to stick with a joint account, you should also agree on boundaries, like discussing big purchases with each other before you make them. Money is one of those things that’s hard to talk about, so it’s important how you approach it.
Try not to blame her or criticise her because she’ll immediately get defensive. Why not frame it as a financial spring clean? Good luck.