ASK COLEEN ‘I’m worried my daughter is 30 and still single and she will never find a man’

Coleen Nolan speaks to an anxious mother who fears her daughter will never settle down and be happy

Dear Coleen

I’m having sleepless nights over my 30-year-old daughter. She’s been single for five years and shows no signs of meeting anyone or of wanting to meet anyone.

She did have a lovely boyfriend, who she met in her final year of university, and they dated for a few years, but she broke it off and there’s been no one else since.

When I ask her about what’s going on with her, she tells me she’s happy on her own and with her life – but I don’t know if she’s covering up how she really feels and saying what she thinks I want to hear because she doesn’t want to worry me. It must get to her that all her friends are in relationships and a few are engaged to be married and I worry that she is being left behind.

She has an interesting job and obviously meets plenty of people through her work. And she also has a group of close friends to go out with, so I don’t know what’s going on with her. I don’t want to nag her too much, so she gets fed up with me, but I do worry a lot. What do you think?

Coleen says

You wrote the word “worry” three times in your letter and, sorry to break it to you, but it’s kind of a mum’s job to worry. I don’t mind admitting that a lot of my stresses are worries about my kids, even though my boys are in their 30s and my daughter is in her 20s.

That concern for your kids is a natural thing, but don’t let it overwhelm you. If your daughter is telling you she’s happy, then why not accept it? Have you stopped to think that maybe what you want for her isn’t what she wants for herself?

Her idea of happiness might not be tied up in finding a partner – she might be loving finding herself in her singledom. So, in a nutshell, your version of happiness might not be the same as your daughter’s and if you keep expecting her to fall into line then she might not feel able to be really honest with you about what’s going on in her life.

So you’re always going to worry – and you’ll just worry about different stuff as she goes through different phases of life. But rather than dwelling on what she doesn’t have, try to focus on the many positive things she has in her life and all that she’s achieving, and feel the joy of being her mother.

Be proud of how she’s making her way in the world as a strong, independent woman. Telling her how proud you are of her would be a lovely thing for her to hear.