Coleen Nolan advises a reader who is worried about her mate, who is getting too close to a colleague
Dear Coleen
My best friend is head over heels in love with a colleague, who married his long-term girlfriend last year.
Recently, she told me he’s been hanging around her a lot and dropping things into conversation like: “My wife doesn’t get me”, “she doesn’t get on with my family”, “I’m not sure if we should have got married”, and so on. He’s even hinted that he might leave her.
My friend is lapping this up because she’s liked him for so long and thinks she’s in with a chance of a relationship with him. I’m convinced he’s just playing with her because he knows how she feels and the only relationship he’s interested in with her is an affair.
I’ve already told her several times that I think she should back off and let him get on with his marriage, and that getting involved would be a very bad idea, but I don’t think she’s really listening to me. Is there anything I can do or say to her to help her see what’s really going on with this man?
In every other aspect of her life she’s such a switched on person and would usually never fall for anything like this. I think she would be making a huge mistake if she took things further.
Coleen says
I’m not sure there is much more you can say or do, except be there for her to pick up the pieces if she does get involved with him and things go south.
She’s not her usual logical, smart, confident self because she’s been dazzled by this man and it feels exciting and she’s hoping it’ll lead to something concrete and real. You could try getting her to think about how she would feel if it was her husband flirting with another woman and saying things like: “My wife doesn’t get me”.
For him it’s a challenge – the thrill of something forbidden. Maybe his marriage has become boring but, instead of working on it, he’s looking for excitement and ego stroking elsewhere.
If he does make it clear that he’d like to start some-thing with your friend, then she should be clear that unless he leaves his wife, she’s not interested. But here’s the thing, even if he did leave his wife for her, would she trust him not to do the same to her or even to go back to his wife?
If you’ve said your piece and told her you think it’s a bad idea and that she’ll get hurt, you can only hope that what you’ve said will sink in at some point.
