Everything will be peachy as long as we keep toddler Trump happy, and as there are no depths our diminished country won’t plumb to win his approval, here’s Brian Reade’s plan to win him over
THE world may very well be burning to a cinder as temperatures rise and the ice caps melt.
We may well be creating a generation of robots so intelligent they will reduce the human race to serfdom. And the World Health Organization may be warning that a new pandemic is inevitable, which could kill 20 times as many as Covid-19.
Yet global politicians are telling their people that the most pressing issue facing them is how to stay on the good side of an unhinged 78-year-old former reality TV star and convicted felon, with the attention span of a dying flea and a love for nothing but himself.
President Macron tried to win the US President over with knee-pumping male joshing, desperately hoping Le Bromance would make Donald Trump a Francophile.
Keir Starmer prayed that a royal invite and some waffle about shared values would seduce him into pumping gasps of air into the twitching corpse of our Special Relationship. And the manchild seemed suitably charmed.
But the only things that truly floated Trump’s boat this week were the AI-generated video of him lounging on a beach in the “Gaza Riviera” he pines for, and Ukraine agreeing to give him a huge chunk of their mineral wealth.
He’s basically a toddler who needs attention and treats. And as there are no depths our diminished country won’t plumb to win his approval, here’s my plan to win Trump over and secure a golden future.
He loves golf, so give him all of our famous courses, rename the British Open the Trump Open and change the Claret Jug trophy to the Orange Jug. He wants canals, so give him The Manchester Ship Canal, and cold islands, so give him The Shetlands.
He likes stretches of water to be named after things he loves, so let’s call the English Channel the Fox News Channel, and rename the North Sea the Drill, Baby, Drill Sea.
He hates fake news so let’s close down all right-wing newspapers. He likes walls, so give him Hadrian’s. Or even better, build one around every Mexican restaurant. Call the Special Relationship the Really Tremendous Relationship, change a full English breakfast to a full American, and offer to build him an even bigger column than Nelson’s in Trafalgar Square. In gold.
But most of all give him the thing he has always coveted due to his Freudian obsession with his Scottish mother: let him be king.
Turn Buckingham Palace into Trump Tower and let him sit on a gaudy, gold throne with Camilla by his side. (No she’s too old, he’ll need a much younger version, so maybe ask Andrew to go through his contacts.)
Elevate his son Barron into a Duke, put the Tate brothers in charge of his staffing department, give McDonald’s the contract for all royal banquets, let Boris Johnson be court jester, and make Nigel Farage the Groom of the Stool (using his hands in Trump’s toileting area will make a change from aiming his tongue there).
And when we invite King Donald I over for his state coronation, let’s change the words to Rule Britannia from “Britain rules the waves” to “Britain waives the rules for anything Trump wants”. Only then can Britain hold its head up in the world again, knowing we’ve regained our dignity.
Have a nice day.
