Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a married reader who keeps replaying a sexual experience he first lived out 25 years ago
Dear Coleen
Something happened in my life 25 years ago and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m now in my 50s with a family, good career etc. Back then I was in my mid-20s, single (with the occasional girlfriend) playing sport, and often after a match an attractive older lady would chat to me in the bar.
One day she asked if I’d like to meet for a coffee and I agreed.
When I saw her at the cafe, I was blown away by her outfit – a white silk blouse, leather jacket, tight pencil skirt, black nylons and the highest heels.
We got talking about movies and I admitted I fantasised about a scene in The Bitch where Joan Collins seduces her chauffeur. We ended up going for a drive with her husband, with us two in the back.
We pulled into a layby and he asked me if I’d like to get to know his wife better. I felt out of my depth, but agreed and she kissed me. We ended up having sex while he watched. It’s still one of my most erotic moments.
We kept in touch and she suggested meeting at their place. She was wearing a black satin gown and a chauffeur’s hat, just like the movie. Her husband watched for a bit then left. We showered together then made love again.
The last time we met, it was obvious she’d had enough of me and called me immature. I never saw them again, but I keep reliving these events – is that normal? I’m not a cross-dresser but would also quite like to experience wearing a satin gown and make love in it.
Coleen says
I think sexual experiences when you’re younger do stay with you and there’s nothing wrong with fantasising about them.
You don’t say what your sex life with your wife is like, but does it feel a stale? If so, you could initiate a conversation, but don’t jump straight in with wanting to wear a satin nightie – talk about spicing things up, maybe even role play.
Perhaps you’re reliving the past because you’re not feeling satisfied sexually.
The trouble with fantasy, though, is it can trick you into believing that’s what everyday sex is meant to be. But there’s no reason why you can’t have a more exciting sex life with your partner, living out the occasional fantasy.
You say you’re not a cross-dresser, but is it something you’d like to experiment with? If so, there are plenty of resources online. But fantasies can mess up a relationship. I know people who’ve lived out a threesome then sex has never been the same or it’s become just about sex with no emotion involved.
You need to think about what’s really at the root of reliving this experience, but don’t feel bad, just think about what it is you truly want.
