You’ve heard of ‘enemies to lovers’, but now it’s time for ‘lovers to enemies’. TikTokers are dating people until they can’t stand them anymore – but is it a good idea?
Love and hate might be two sides of the same coin – but this latest TikTok trend is taking it to new extremes.
Neatly coined the ‘Date them till you hate them’ theory, TikTokers are preaching that the best way to get over relationships that you no longer want to be in is to – perplexingly – stay in them. The idea is that by repeatedly going back to your unsatisfactory or toxic partner, you will eventually grow to hate them and be able to leave without the heartbreak. Sort of like playing the long game for finally getting the “ick”.
Of course, dating someone until you hate their guts might sound completely counterintuitive – and arguably defeats the whole point of dating – but based on dozens upon dozens of TikToks and thousands of commenters, the theory is catching on (to mixed reactions).
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“Date them until you hate them. I know that for some people that might sound like a controversial sentence, but the truth is you will not let go of that person and you will not move on from that person until you are ready to do that,” TikToker Amber Hutton, self-styled “big sister of TikTok” told over 300K viewers.
The video was met with floods of comments from other users in a similar boat. “It’s so much easier to leave when all of your feelings for them are gone,” one wrote. “It’s so toxic and it hurts so much but you gotta hurt to let em go,” another added.
“It’ll destroy you inside for a while, but you’ll never have ‘what if’s’ because you’ll have all the answers,” a third commenter said. Meanwhile, multiple other TikToks have spoken of how dealing with continued disrespect from their partner has made it easier for them to eventually leave without feeling much emotion.
Although, not everyone is singing the theory’s praises. Some TikTokers have warned that the method will only make you “hate yourself”. Under one ‘Date them till you hate them’ TikTok which received 10 million views, a commenter said: “Terrible advice, you will feel worse about going back when you’re finally over it. Leave with your dignity.”
Who created the ‘date them till you hate them’ theory?
The theory appears to have been coined by TikTok creator Meg Neill in 2023, who went viral after sharing how she managed to leave a four-year relationship without falling apart emotionally. “You’re going to watch them disrespect you…until you no longer want to associate with them anymore,” she told viewers.
Should you follow the ‘date them till you hate them’ theory?
Rosalind Fitzgerald, a divorce lawyer at Rayden Solicitors warns that dating someone until you hate them can be a recipe for disaster. This is especially true when finances and children are involved.
She says: “When couples have intermingled their finances in any way – or, far more significantly, had children together – deliberately turning love to hate can only serve to make separation more bitter, complex and costly.
“In almost all but the most transient of relationships, there are mutual possessions, interwoven finances to unpick and a degree of sensible communication is required to do so. And what could be more disastrous for your children’s long term mental health than hatred between parents? However hard parents try to disguise this, children will pick up on all sorts of subtle signs. They will certainly notice if their parents never speak at handover and sense the tension.”
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She adds: “In my experience, the lengthiest and costliest separations are those where one or both parties are consumed by hate, and unable to clearly see where a compromise should be made, and where attempts at amicable settlement are derailed by an extreme emotional response.
“Whilst difficult emotions are universal to all separating couples, it is the job of a family lawyer to advise where compromise should land, and what a reasonable outcome might look like, but in the most hostile separations, that advice can be ignored.”
In extreme examples, Rosalind points out that this can lead to “nihilistic litigation” – a phrase used by Mr Justice Peele in a 2021 High Court case where the parties managed to spend £2.3m in legal fees, when their total assets only came to around £1.75m.
She continues: “‘Dating until you hate them’ will almost always lead to acrimony, and make the task of separating your entanglements so much harder. Healthy separation strategies are far better engaged with respectful communication, not driven by hatred.”
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