Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader struggling to understand why she’s still attracted to the wrong men and can’t seem to commit to changing jobs or getting fit
Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my 30s, recently single and frustrated with myself and my life.
It’s the start of another year and I’ve done none of the things I promised myself last January I’d do. I vowed to get out of my dead-end job, but I’ve applied for nothing (always found an excuse not to), I wanted to get fit and healthy (failed) and I wanted to avoid useless guys (who I seem fatally attracted to!).
Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes? And why can’t I get myself out of this rut I’ve been in for years?
My latest break-up is so “me”. I met a man online and after the first date, I knew he’d be bad for me, but I still kept going on dates with him and things went exactly as expected.
I knew he wasn’t up for serious commitment as that’s what he told me, but I put loads of pressure on him and he dumped me.
I’m looking for a relationship, but I keep going for men who don’t want the same thing. What’s wrong with me?
How can I change things this year? I really want this year to be different.
Coleen says
I think as human beings we’re kind of programmed to keep returning to the scene of the crime, repeating old patterns and making the same mistakes. Let’s be honest, change is difficult, uncomfortable and even scary. It’s far easier to revert to type and stick with what’s familiar, but of course it’s not good in the long term.
Look, nothing changes unless something changes. You don’t have to start big, in fact I’d advise against it.
Start with something small and achievable like updating your LinkedIn profile or CV and putting out some feelers for job opportunities.
Buy a pair of trainers and go for a walk twice a week. Get off your phone and read a good book or listen to a podcast. And, when it comes to men, be ruthless. If it’s a relationship you want, keep swiping until you find someone whose interests and aspirations align with yours.
Don’t cling on to something that’s going nowhere and don’t try to change someone into the person you want as that will never work.
You are absolutely capable of change, but keep your goals small and realistic, and they will add up to make a big difference in your life. That may sound like a cliché, but it’s the truth. Good luck.
